Muscles and Steel

 Note; It wasn't planned, of course, since this blogathon was created a few months ago, but I think it's fitting that I should dedicate this entry to the memory of one one of the most iconic voices in Hollywood, James Earl Jones. Jones, in case you were unaware, left the scene earlier this week.  Not only did he give us the memorable voice of Darth Vader, but he played both good and bad guys with style, Go check out some of his classic roles.  (Here he was Thulsa Doon in the first entry of this double feature).

This is my entry in the Barbarians at the Gates blogathon hosted by Hamlette's Soliloquy and yours truly.

The barbarian movie begins (but not necessarily ends) with Conan.  There were a few others, to be sure that predated the two Arnold Schwarzenegger movies featuring the iconic warrior, but I would be willing to bet $$ it would never have taken off to the heights it did it if "The Governator" hadn't come on the scene.

Imagine, for a moment, if you will... Conan the Barbarian... starring...Charles Bronson.  Believe it or not, in the early 70's when this production first started getting batted around Hollywood, Chuck was one of the guys considered. Now Bronson would have been in his 50's, and I don't know for sure how buff he was then, but still...

Another was William Smith (who actually did get a brief role as Conan's father early in the film).  He was a bit younger than Chuck, by 10 years, but still. A mid-40's Conan? 

The third option, and by this time beefcake enough to have pulled it off, was... Sylvester Stallone.  Well, he was indeed turning to a muscular behemoth even in the  early 80's.   And he could have given Arnold himself a run for his money when it came to enunciating.  But I still don't think the swords and sorcery genre would have taken off quite the way it did if Stallone had been at the helm. 

One note in particular about the first movie.  The background to the character of Conan is changed somewhat from what my research says was Robert E. Howard's background for his character.  In the novels Conan develops in his village as a muscular warrior and goes off to the road to adventure from there.  But the movie has a different tack on it.

In the film, a quiet village goes through day to day life.  Conan's father (William Smith) is a metalworker and teaches his young son about what they believe and the legends of their peoples. This includes a down to earth god, much like the people that worship him, Crom.

Into this bucolic setting rides an invading horde.  Since the end result is that the village is burned to the ground and all the men are killed (and maybe even all the women), apparently they are only there to get Conan, who is taken captive.

Conan watches as the warriors lay waste to his village, killing his father.  And then, while standing there holding his mother's hand, the leader of this marauding horde rides up, and removes his helmet.  Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones). doesn't even need to say a word.  (We don't actually get to hear Jones' iconic voice until much later in the movie.).  All he has to do is just stare into the eyes of Conan's mother and she drops her sword.  And then Doom beheads her.

Conan, along with several other boys, are taken captive, and eventually put to work as slaves turning a wheel.  At the start, all of them turn the wheel. (And what the point of this wheel is is never really clear...) Eventually all of the other children fall to the wayside (whether by death or some other circumstances is also not really clear.)

This leaves Conan himself, who through all this has become a very muscular older man.  And he is released from his captivity.  The scene shifts to him, supposedly free (but still has some remnants of chains on him so I'm not sure.) Being chased by wild dogs he hides in a cavern which quite possibly is a burial tomb.  A skeleton that appears to have been a former king sits on a throne with a sword.  Conan takes the sword, cleans it up and removes the remaining chains.

When he gets out of the cave/tomb he encounters a witch who revels to him some important information on where he can find the men who killed his father.  He has to go to a town where more will be revealed.  Along the way he meets a thief named Subotai (Gerry Lopez) and the woman with whom he becomes infatuated, Valeria (Sandahl Bergman).  

The trio raid a tower and kill a big snake and get some jewels, but their escapade comes to the attention of the local king, Osric (Max von Sydow),

Osric gives them a quest, rescue his daughter who has come under the influence of a powerful sorcerer (you guessed it, Thulsa Doom). Both Subotai and Valeria try to convince Conan to turn down this quest, but, revenge is a dish best served cold (to quote another movie).  Conan has to go after Doom for the honor his dead parents and ends up taking it alone since neither is willing to go on this obviously no-win endeavor.  (I mean Thulsa Doom is renowned for his big time status as a wizard after all.)

Conan makes his way to the citadel and runs across a small time wizard (Mako) in his own right (and by coincidence our humble narrator of the saga),  who gives him some help but sends him on his way.  Conan arrives at Doom's citadel. where he poses as a wannabe convert, with the help of a priest whose robes he "confiscates".

But Thulsa sees through him (wizard, remember?) and orders him to be crucified.  But Conan is not going to go down so easily. Even as he is crucified and beginning to be eaten by vultures he still tries to fight back.  And to his rescue come his friends. Both Subotai and Valeria come around to his way of thinking and agree to help him on his quest to rescue Osric's daughter. But first they must nurse him back to health and for that they need the help of a wizard.  The same wizard Conan met on his way to Doom's citadel.

 But ultimately Doom has some manner of magic and Valeria ends up dying. 

Conan pleads with Crom to help him in his quest for revenge. And since Valeria has previously promised if she died and Conan needed her help to defeat the powers of darkness, well..

They don't get much more magical than this.  You have to summon some serious powers to defeat a big time wizard like Doom, and Conan is going to need every bit of it.

So I'll leave just a bit of stuff for you to check out, but since Conan returns in the sequel you know somehow he's gonna win.  But just how is worth the wait.

Conan the Destroyer (1984):

The ensuing years since Conan defeated the power of Thulsa Doom and his minions ad lost his great love Valeria have not been easy for Conan.  He wanders the world looking for things to help him deal with his loss, but nothing seems to fill the void. At the time of the beginning of this film, he is just an itinerant thief, working with a fellow thief, Malak (Tracey Walter).

Into his world comes a band of soldiers who are intent upon, not killing him, but capturing him. He is able to fend them off fairly well, well enough that the leader of the band stops the fight.  The leader turns out to be a queen, Taramis (Sarah Douglas), who has been seeking a champion for a quest.  And she has the right bait to lure Conan, since power and money are not an incentive.  She promises him, at the outset, that she can bring back Valeria from the dead.  And, Conan, being a lovesick mourner (as well as not as cynical as I would be), falls for her bait.

So what is this quest?  Conan is hired to accompany Taramis' niece, Jehnna (Olivia D'Abo), on a journey to retrieve a key that will be used to revive the god Dagoth.  

It is a convoluted myth, but basically Jehnna is the prophesied girl who is the only one who can actually touch said key.  Conan will accompany Jehnna, and Bombaata (Wilt Chamberlain), Taramis' captain of the guards, on this quest.  

What neither Conan, or for that matter Jehnna, know is that Taramis is trying to fulfil a prophecy that will bring a god back to life, but that will require the sacrifice of Jehnna, the "virgin" that so often shows up in these kinds of legends.

 And, also, it turns out, Taramis has no intention of fulfilling her promise to Conan (whether she could or not). She instructs Bombaata to kill Conan once the key is retrieved.

So we begin the journey, Conan, Jehnna, Bombaata and Malak.  But along the way we will acquire a few other travelers, including the wizard friend from the previous adventure (Mako), who has since acquired a name, Akiro.  Akiro has to be rescued, however, since he is currently the main course of a feast for cannibals.

Also, in a village, they come across a woman who is chained and fending off six tormenters.  She is the last of a band of marauders that had attempted to raid the town..  After helping her (simply by unchaining her), Conan and the band ride on.  But the woman, Zula (Grace Jones) follows and wants to join with Conan on his quest.

The first step is to somehow get in to the castle of Thoth-Amon (Pat Roach), which is located out in the middle of a lake (and since Thoth-Amon is a wizard, guarded by some serious magic).  Conan insists they wait until morning to try their attempt, but Thoth-Amon has other ideas.  He turns into a giant bird and captures Jehnna.  (Using some pretty cheesy special effects to accomplish it...) Leaving the rest of the band to figure out how to rescue her and complete the quest of retrieving the key they came for.

They invade the castle, but are greeted by far greater magic than they have encountered yet.  Conan has to fight a creature in a room full of mirrors.  A creature comes out of each mirror and combines to form one creature, one that seems almost impervious to anything Conan can try to defeat it.  The solution to it's defeat is not necessarily ingenious (in fact in retrospect it seems kind of cheesy) but it is a satisfying solution.  (And I won't give it away, but I bet even if you've never seen the movie you can guess how to defeat this creature.)

It turns out that the creature's death also results in the death of Thoth-Amon, who had used magic to make himself the creature.  So now Conan and company can retrieve the key they came for.

The next part of the journey should be without Conan, since this is the point that the queen gave Bombaata instructions to dispatch him.  But Conan has other plans.  Bombaata, for his part, manages to convince Conan that the queen's guards have attacked on their own, not by orders of the queen.  Conan, if anything, gullible to subterfuge, believes him.  So the crowd continues on its way to the next quest, which is to use the key they got to retrieve the real relic they were after.  A cavern, and a big stone door that requires the strength of both Conan and Bombaata to open.  (So it turns out that it's a good thing Bombaata and the guards didn't succeed.)

Inside the hidden room is the horn of Dagoth, and an inscription which Akiro translates and discovers the ultimate destiny both of Jehnna and the horn.  But when Akiro tells Conan of the writing he dismisses it.  

Eventually Bombaata manages, he thinks, to trap the rest in the cavern and escapes with the girl.  but since this is Conan, the rest manage to escape and decide to go back to the city to try and stop the queen's evil plans.

The rest is the battle that occurs after the horn is replaced and the statue of Dagoth is revived.  But in order to complete the rite, you remember, Jehnna the virgin must be sacrificed.  Of course, if the rite is not completed as it is written things could go awry. Which of course is what happens.

So how does Conan defeat the evil forces?  Watch the movie!

It's too bad that the saga did not continue from here.  But then if it had we would have missed out on a few other great movies that Schwarzenegger did from here on out.  But it was not necessarily the end of Conan on film.  There was a 2011 reboot with Jason Momoa as the titular character.  But since it failed to even recoup it's production money at the box office, that pretty much torched a Momoa sequel. But we can always keep our hopes up, because Hollywood never lets a budget deficit completely bury a potential possibility of new reboots.

Well, folks, time to head out for home (wherever home may be).  Keep an eye out for those wizards, you never know what they might be up to.

Quiggy