Lust in Space

 

 

One thing you can be sure of: Men can't do without women. Even men from other planets realize that women are important. Not as viable members of the working society, if you take these two movies into consideration, however.  No, these two movies are firmly entrenched into the concept that a woman's basic usefulness begins and ends with their part in the continuation of the species. You know, "barefoot and pregnant". (Although having them look halfway decent in the process is a bonus...)

I think it's pretty interesting that there were at least two science-fiction movies that had this concept as their basis. (There might have been more, but these are the only two I've ever come across.) Not only that, but both have a theme that some unfortunate accident in the past has caused a situation where all of the women on the invader's planet (in both these cases, Mars) have virtually been eliminated, and the only solution available is to invade Earth and take some hostages back to Mars to continue the species.

Fortunately, for the women, these aren't the little green men normally associated with Mars (see Mars Attacks). They at least look nominally humanoid. (And in the case of the second feature, at least one of them looks like Tommy Kirk {Old Yeller}). 

 

 

 

 

 

Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster (1965):

In the never ending quest to find the most obscure and cheesy movies for The Midnite Drive-In, sometimes I find stuff that really is "way out". It is a given fact that the 50's and 60's were a hot bed of low budget movies, especially in the realm of the drive-in movie. With a few thousand dollars to spend and enough willing actors and actresses hard up enough for a role they would take on virtually anything, you could crank out a movie that was bound to secure a profit.  Maybe not enough for you to retire on, but at least enough to finance your next Schlock Theater entry.

One of the things that always got a draw in those halcyon days was the "invasion" entry, in which some aliens with less than altruistic intentions came to Earth, either to enslave the inhabitants, or just looking for a quick bite on the way home at the Human buffet table. Another thing that drew in the crowds was the next Monster of the Month club entry. Put "Dracula" (or "vampire"), "Terror", or "Creature" in the title and sit back and wait for the crowds.

So including the words "Frankenstein, "Space" and "Monster" in the title and you had the essence of the themes that would draw the necessary crowd to the local drive-in theater.  

It didn't matter that the titular "Frankenstein" had nothing to do with Mary Shelley or the numerous variations thereof in film.  And it didn't matter if the actual "Frankenstein" of the title didn't actually meet the "Space Monster" until the last 5 minutes of the film. At least you got, in the interim, some wacky antics by a midget Spock look alike, and a Martian princess (looking like a refugee from some ancient Egyptian sword and sandal epic) trying to do their own invasion of the Earth.

 

The only thing going for this movie is the bevy of bikini clad women the Martians are trying to capture. And those "Bikini-clad" women don't have to do a damn thing but just appear on screen... they don't even have to act. (It's probably a good bet that if they did, they would have acted rings around some of the actors who actually DID have lines in the film...)

 

The set up is this.  The Americans keep launching missiles into space, but unbeknownst to them, there is a spaceship out there shooting them down. But you can't keep down that good old American "can-do" spirit, so they keep banging away.  Their next goal is to send up a rocket piloted by Col. Frank Saunders ( Robert Reilly).  But the scientists do have one trick ace card up their sleeves.  Frank is not really human.  He's an android.  (The cat is almost let out of the bag when "Frank" seizes up during an interview with the press.  But since this press contingent is a couple of apples short of a pitcher of lemonade, they don't really catch on...)

So, back to the aliens.  The alien contingent is lead by a group of soldiers commanded by Princess Marcuzan (Marilyn Hanold, fresh from her gig as Playboy Playmate of the Month {June 1959}) and her adjutant (psychiatrist?) Dr. Nadir (Lou Cutell). The reason the aliens keep knocking down the rockets the Americans are firing is because they think they have been spotted and the Earth is trying to knock them out of orbit. Which would put a serious damper in their plans...

So just what are the plans?  It seems that there has been a serious war going on back on the home planet. A nuclear war.  With whom, it is never said. But the ultimate result of the war is that all the women on the planet have been killed. (That is one seriously selective nuclear bomb... And what comes to mind is... how was the princess able to escape this outcome?)

The advance alien contingent has come to Earth to attempt to kidnap some Earth women to take them back and "repopulate" the species. How? Well, for one thing every girl has to be "purified", which basically involves them being put on a conveyor belt and sent through some kind of alien CAT scan device, although I don't know what the end result does.   (When they are eventually rescued late in the movie it doesn't look like they've changed much).

 

One of the things that really make you scratch your head is, all these women that the Martians capture seem to be docilely submitting to their capture.  I don't quibble over them not actively trying to resist, after all the Martians have those Whamm-o ray guns that can disintegrate anybody they aim them at, but these women don't even raise up a vocal resistance... I mean, they don't even cry or whine over their situation.  Are the Martians really that much better an option than the Human men they have been around?

Meanwhile, back at the lab, the head scientist, Dr. Adam Steele (James Karen, the only actor you will probably even recognize), and his assistant, Karen (Nancy Marshall), try to track down Frank, who, because he is an android, is sending out signals that they can pick up that he is still alive. Although, since he has taken damage, they know he is not necessarily a stable android. 

 

Karen: What would he do?

Adam: I don't know. It would depend on what happened to him. If he'd had any bad experiences, he might react violently... out of his built-in preservation unit. Anything could happen.

Karen: What you're saying is he could turn into a...Frankenstein...

(You knew they had to justify that title somehow, didn't you...?)

Adam and Karen go out searching for Frank. And thus we get essentially a travelogue, as they cruise around Puerto Rico, showing off the local landscape.  They must not be in too big a hurry to find him, since they are riding a moped.

 

Frank has indeed gone rogue, because he is randomly killing people for no reason at all.  Meanwhile the Martians have opted to land the spaceship on Earth. You have to see the spaceship to believe it.  It looks like something like a beach house shaped like a spaceship with what appear to be pool cues supporting it as it stands. 

 

 

This is so the Martians can better load up their captives.  They hit every beach and pool party in site to take as many women as possible.

One wonders where they are going to go when they've finished their mission.  The princess says that the planet is "unfit for further habitation" as a result of the nuclear war, but Dr. Nadir claims they are looking for women so that they "can repopulate our planet". If the planet is unfit for habitation what is the point of repopulating it?

Eventually Adam and Karen find Frank, and while Adam does some work on him he sends Karen back to base to call in the Army and destroy the spaceship.  But the army's weapons prove to be useless (probably because the pilots in the airplanes couldn't hit the broad side of a barn...) And Karen is captured.  She is put in a cage with Mull (the name of the titular "Space Monster" in an effort to get her to talk.

 

Ultimately it comes down to Frank battling Mull and saving the Earth (all in the space of the last 5 minutes of the movie). And Frank destroys the command console of the space ship and blows it up. And we end with a happy ending as Adam and Karen do another Puerto Rico travelogue.

One of the many titles that this movie has been shown under is Mars Invades Puerto Rico. Which accounts for the brief interludes that I refer to as travelogues (else how would you know where the movie was being filmed?) Along with such titles as Duel of the Space Monsters ( the UK title) and Operation San Juan (again a reference to the location of the film), it is clear the producers had no idea what to do with the film.

 Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster is one of those movies where the plot is intriguing enough, but the outcome that was presented leaves a little something to be desired.  It is entertaining on some levels, but the people involved seem a little less interested in presenting a feature film than they are in just getting something out the door to draw in the unsuspecting audience.  As a feature film it is worth a watch, but I seriously doubt that many of you would return for multiple viewings.  It does however have at least a smattering of devotees.

 

 

 

 

Mars Needs Women (1968): 

There is a message coming from space.  It is very simple. Mars Needs Women. But, as opposed to the previous film, at least initially the Martians aren't out to force women against their will to become Martian mothers. (although, at the beginning of the movie three women disappear from Earth and I bet none of them were asked first...) 

As mentioned above, the first three women just disappear, with no explanation.  One is playing tennis with a male companion The second is on a date with a man and disappears while he is off refreshing his supply of cigarettes at the cigarette machine (remember those things?) The third disappears while taking a shower.  

None of these first three women were asked if they wanted to be volunteers to help out the Martians.  But apparently something happened and the first "abductions" were not altogether successful.  So the Martians have been sending a message.  "Mars needs women".

 

The Martians contact the big wigs in the Armed Forces to tell them of their situation.  Apparently a genetic  problem has cropped up in recent years leading to a male to female ratio on Mars of 100:1. So the representative Martian, Dop (Tommy Kirk), tells the brass they are trying to recruit women to come back with them. Essentially implying the women would be volunteers.  (Except for those first three, however). But the bigwig in charge, Col. Page (Byron Lord), is not so diplomatic and tells Dop to go fly a kite. 

 

Thus, the five Martians land in Houston (Why Houston? Why not?), hide their spaceship and embark on a quest to take prospective women by force.  Well, not physical force, thank God, but they are not averse to using techniques that would still be frowned upon by polite society.  They are going to hypnotize the women.

Each of the 5 Martians goes out to seek his own prospect.  One goes to the local airport and starts stalking a stewardess. One of them goes to a local college football game (which appears to be a home game between the Houston Cougars and the Baylor Bears) and picks out the winner of the homecoming queen competition as his prospect.  

A third goes to (where else) a strip club. Hey, if Dr. Cortner in The Brain That Wouldn't Die could seek a prospective body for his fiancee at one, there must be something to the prospective venue. (And since this is a TV movie, and a TV movie from the late 60's to boot, it's a pretty tame strip club. But you gotta take what life deals ya...) 

 

Meanwhile, Dop is seeking out the brilliant (and conveniently, female, and good looking to boot) genetics scientist, Dr. Marjorie Bolen (Yvonne Craig), who just so happens to be speaking at a conference in town. Dop, as you might expect, and Dr. Bolen hit it off and it seems it might just be that he wouldn't have to hypnotize her; she might just come along willingly, for the scientific knowledge. 

 

 

Meanwhile, the Air Force brass is desperately trying to find out where the Martians have hidden their spaceship.  And before you can say "coincidentally advanced speculation" they determine that the best place for a spaceship from a colder planet would have to be an abandoned ice factory, they figure out, sure enough, that there is such a place in a deserted part of town. (OK, 70's Houston was about 50% smaller than it is today, but I doubt there was much of the town that could be that remote, even back then...)

So the Martians end up having to abandon their mission and escape the frying pan before it gets too hot. Although one really has to wonder... the 5 Martians are bringing back 1 woman apiece, so how that could really help the genetic problem back on Mars becomes a little problematic.  I think 5 more women would hardly make a sizable dent in the mathematical ratio, but never let it be said that logic was a primary factor in these kinds of movies.

Of course, if you were paying attention, at this point there were only 3 (or possibly 4, if Dr. Bolen willingly accompanied them)  But the Martian doctor who was on the crew was with Dop and I guess he didn't feel the urgency to find a prospective woman of his own. Either that, or he was jealous that Dop, who wasn't even a doctor on TV, much less in real life, got to get the human female doctor...

 

Compared to the previous movie, this film has less to give to the prospective viewer in terms of it's plot, and some of the actors seem like they were just there to pick up a paycheck. Bryon Lord as the Colonel is probably one of the worst.  He has a grimace pasted on his face throughout the film that just seems to be saying "Can you just say 'Cut' and get this damn scene over?"  Lord reminds me of the Colonel in A*P*E*, but even Alex Nicol had more emotional range...

Except for Craig, not many of the other players stand out either, and that includes Kirk, who was at least half-way decent in the aforementioned Old  Yeller, but somehow never seemed to find a niche in Hollywood after that film. 

Both of these movies are good enough to watch once, but except for that common theme of aliens needing women, neither would probably be good for much but a few laughs, especially the sexist dialogue that many of the men exhibit when around Dr. Bolen in Mars Needs Women. (And I say that despite the fact that I usually defend a movie that is a product of it's time. That sexist attitude was common in the 70's, so it shouldn't be a big issue if taken in context. But it seems to me they took it a little farther than necessary here.) 

Well folks, the Quiggy household needs women (or at least one woman), but I'm not about to abduct one just to fulfill the opening. Volunteers can apply, however.

Drive safely, folks. 

Quiggy