Semiquincentennial Movie Project #38: Children of the Corn

 

The Semiquincentennial  Movie Project is an ongoing celebration of the 250th anniversary of the founding of the United States. During the course of this project your humble blogger is choosing a movie a week to represent each of the 50 states in the Union, as well as a movie scheduled for 4th of July weekend that will represent the nation's capitol, Washington D.C. The order of the weekly entries will coincide with the order of each state's entry into the fold (although, not necessarily coinciding with the date of their entry into said fold).

 

 

Week #38: Nebraska -

 

 

 

The state of Nebraska was established on March 1, 1867 

Details about Nebraska:

State bird: Western meadowlark

State flower: goldenrod

State tree: cottonwood

Additional historical trivia:

Locking pliers, also known as "Vice-Grips", were invented in Nebraska.

March 14 is celebrated as Reuben Sandwich Day because one legend has it that the sandwich was invented in Omaha. (It's my favorite sandwich, even over a good hamburger).

Nebraska is also the home of the inventors of ranch dressing, Swanson dinners and Kool-Aid.

It is the only "triply land-locked" state, meaning it's the only state that you have to travel through at least three other states to get to a bay, ocean or gulf.

The nation's smallest city hall (10' x 12') is in Maskell.

Famous people born in Nebraska: A huge number of famous actors, like Marlon Brando, Nick Nolte, Fred Astaire, Henry Fonda, James Coburn, Montgomery Clift, Harold Lloyd and Ward Bond, as well as Malcolm X,  L. Ron Hubbard, Warren Buffett, U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney and U.S. President Gerald Ford.

 

 

 

Children of the Corn (1984):

Those evil kids in Nebraska! Children of the Corn, quite possibly, is in contention for having spawned the most sequels in movie history. Note: I don't include such icons as Dracula and Sherlock Holmes in that because, after all, the many films featuring those characters are not, per se, all sequels to prior movies. As of this writing there are 10 movies in the series, and probably no end in sight. But, to be honest, the sequels have different children in them, so maybe you would not agree with the term "sequel"...

In his phenomenally entertaining book Showgirls, Teen Wolves and Astro Zombies, Mark Adams devoted an entire chapter to the series. I personally have never delved into the many sequels, some of which I hear are just the kind of "bad movie" fare that I have covered over the years. 

But the original may possibly be a preview to the whole bad movie vibe. 

Question: What's worse than a bunch of kids, inspired by some demonic creature they THINK is living in the cornfields, killing off all the adults in town to appease said "He Who Walks Behind the Rows"? How about a movie that has a bunch of kids, inspired by some demonic creature that IS living in the cornfield, doing this nefarious killing for "He Who Walks Behind the Rows". Or, at least maybe it's "demonic"... For all I know, it could be an alien from the 8th dimension. (The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension hit theaters that same year...)

Stephen King movies are notoriously hit or miss. Especially when it comes to adaptations of his horror output. Assuming they even bother to stick closely to the source material, this can be problematic. Sometimes you get a genuine gem, such as The Shawshank Redemption or Stand by Me (neither of which are horror movies, per se). The 1976 version of Carrie and Misery both are genuinely good, and qualify as horror.

But on the other hand, sometimes you get such drivel as The Lawnmower Man which has virtually no connection to the original story. Neither do, (need I say it?), the many sequels to previously filmed stories that may or may not have been faithful themselves. In the middle of the pack are such films that somehow maintain a connection to the King original, although several of them had to be expanded from the story to make them work as a full-fledged movie. Children of the Corn is one of these.

In the original King short story our main characters are a married couple who, at the time of the setting, don't particularly like each other. That was changed for the movie into a couple who, though not yet married at the time, were hopelessly in love with each other. Whether that changed the dynamic of the story is probably up to the reader/viewer. 

The movie opens 3 years earlier when Isaac (John Franklin) and his acolytes/followers, all children ritually slaughter all the adults of the town of Gatlin, Nebraska.

 

Three years late (the present), a couple, Burt (Peter Horton ) and his girlfriend/future wife, Vicky (Linda Hamilton) are en route to Seattle where Burt is going to do his intern work as a doctor to be. Along the way they are traveling through a seemingly deserted section of Nebraska, where the only thing around seems to be the miles and miles of corn. (And if you like corn, you might not anymore after watching this movie. That corn is about as scary as a horde of rats descending upon you in a basement... At least it was to me.)

 

Into the road stumbles a boy. Burt and Vicky think they hit and killed him, but it turns out that his throat had been cut before he ever got into the road. So they pack him into the trunk of their car and head to the nearby town of Gatlin to report it. But upon arriving in Gatlin, they find the town deserted. They can find no one, not one single person. 

 

It takes about 45 minutes of this movie before our intrepid couple find anything resembling humanity. The kids, who obviously have it in their best interests, or at least in the best interests of the monster living in the cornfield, do anything. For the most part, they just argue amongst themselves. This may be due in part because their leader, Isaac, is obviously a nutjob Pat Robertson wannabe. Isaac spouts apocalyptic scriptures about the fact that he Who Walks Behind the Rows must be appeased. His second in command, Malachai (Courtney Gains), is much more vindictive, but not quite as evil as the street preacher Isaac.

 

Eventually Burt and Vicky find Sarah and Job, two kids who are not beholden to Isaac and his ilk. Sarah is, as often happens in a King story, a psychic with visions. And both of them are playing a game that could get them into serious trouble if Isaac found out; to wit, having independent thought.

 

The ultimate conflict ends up after Vicky is captured. There is a revolt, and it turns out that Malachai may be even more demented in his religious zealotry than Isaac. He thinks that Isaac has failed He Who Walks Behind the Rows, and takes over. 

 

And our intrepid duo of adults are the only ones that seem to be able to come up with a plan.

 

Children of the Corn was originally scripted by King himself, but the director chucked that script and had it re-written. The scriptwriter, George Goldsmith, came up with something that more or less appealed to the director, but it fails on several stages. For one, it adds way too much extraneous stuff that had nothing to do with the movie. For one thing, the couple find an old man (R. G. Armstrong) whom the kids have allowed to live, obviously because he could get things the kids would need, such as tools. But since those same kids kill him off before the movie is halfway over, they must not have needed his help THAT bad...

 

At least the movie kept the fact in the film that their is SOMETHING out there in that cornfield. Although whatever it is, it pales in comparison in it's fright value to the kids themselves. Someone, I think it was King himself, called it a "gopher from Hell", because most of it's scenes on screen are just scenes of something burrowing underneath the soil of the cornfield. Even when it finally foes come up out of the ground, it looks more like left over special effects from Tron. (A demon from a computer world...? Maybe it's really an early invasion of the Borg...)

As cheaply as this movie was made, with a budget of only $3 million, and with King's name attached, it was probably a foregone conclusion that it would make a profit. And it did. Sort of... It mad $!4 million in ticket sales. But word of mouth probably hurt it. I think Roger Ebert, who was probably not a big fan of King in the first place, put it best: "By the end of Children of the Corn, the only thing moving behind the rows is the audience, fleeing to the exits." 

The seemingly never ending raft of sequels that the movie spawned, I think, says more about the audience's willingness to dive into this "evil children" trope than it does about how well the story flows into a fluid tale. Given that probably 75-80% of the potential audience for these sequels are probably parents themselves, it would seem to me that they might be deriving a satisfaction of seeing their own "little monsters" in the roles of those kids. (Not having any of my own, I may not be the right person to judge, but be that as it may...)

Personally, I think the story would have been better served if it had been made as part of an anthology, sort of like Creepshow or Creepshow II. (Replacing that segment in Creepshow II with the India would have been a better choice.  The film suffers a lot from the fact that it takes way too long for anything interesting to happen. It feels exactly like what it essentially is, a 40 minute film that was padded to fill an hour and a half slot.

Interesting note: Goldsmith has later claimed that the script was a metaphor for the Iranian Revolution of 1979, with the kids being the Muslims and the couple being the American hostages. Not sure how I feel about that. Is he saying that the revolutionaries were basically just kids?  

OK, so this is not exactly one of the greatest King films, it's not even one of the better 80's King films, but for a brief break from some of the other films I have reviewed over the years, it's not entirely bad. Just be sure to take a good shot of your Red Bull or Monster before cuing it up, or you may doze off during the lulls between action scenes. And  try not to laugh too hard when the demon shows up at the end.

Until next week, drive safely, folks. And stick to the highways. Those detours through the backwoods burgs are a little risky.

Quiggy

 

 

   

 

Semiquincentennial Movie Project #37: The Beast of Yucca Flats

 

The Semiquincentennial  Movie Project is an ongoing celebration of the 250th anniversary of the founding of the United States. During the course of this project your humble blogger is choosing a movie a week to represent each of the 50 states in the Union, as well as a movie scheduled for 4th of July weekend that will represent the nation's capitol, Washington D.C. The order of the weekly entries will coincide with the order of each state's entry into the fold (although, not necessarily coinciding with the date of their entry into said fold).

 

 

Week #37: Nevada -

The state of Nevada was established on October 31, 1864 

Details about Nevada:

State bird: mountain bluebird

State flower: sagebrush

State tree: bristle cone pine

Additional historical trivia:

Considering that Nevada has legal gambling, lotteries are illegal unless run by a church.

The Lunar Crater in Nevada was a location where astronauts trained for the moon mission (Or possibly where the moon mission was faked... Who knows...?)

Rayolite is the home of a house made almost entirely from glass bottles.

The Extraterrestrial Highway, so named because of the numerous sightings of UFO's is in NV.

 

Supposedly the Las Vegas Strip is so brightly lit it can be seen from space. (Since I've never been to space I can't verify that is true.)

Famous people born in Nevada: Bryce Harper, Kyle and Kurt Busch, Andre Agassi, Dawn Wells (Mary Jane on Gilligan's Island), Jenna Jameson, Nevada Barr and former First Lady Pat Nixon.  

 

 

The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961):

 

There are a few things you need to know going in to this week's feature film.

First: The Beast of Yucca Flats often makes many lists of "The Worst Film of All Time". And, admittedly, there are some aspects of it that put it in that category. For one thing; apparently the film was either made without a sound guy on the set, or possibly the audio was lost somewhere along the line. Sometimes it feels like you are watching a silent movie, as characters are speaking to each other on screen, but we don't hear what they are saying. Occasionally we do get some dialogue, but since the camera is almost never on the person who is speaking, it's obvious the dialogue was added in post-production.

Instead we get a narrator (who was actually the director, Coleman Francis, in real life) telling us what is going on.  This movies stars no one you have ever heard of, (or possibly will ever hear of again...) That is, with the exception of Tor Johnson. People of a certain bent will recognize the face, if not the name. From 1934 to 1961 Johnson cropped up in uncredited roles in various low budget schlock films, most notably as Bela Lugosi's henchman in several of Ed Wood's movies. He was unmistakable, whenever he appeared on screen, since he was a big hulking former Swedish wrestler. He almost always had no lines (possibly because no one could have figured out what he was saying, due to his Swedish background?). Wikipedia notes that one source claims a latex mask created in the 60's was one of the best-selling Halloween masks of the time period.

 

The movie also struggles in terms of being actually called a "movie". It barely clocks in at just over 50 minutes in length. Even with commercials it would barely fit in a hour and a half time slot on the local TV midnight movie slot. 

The director, Coleman Francis, could be classed along with Ed Wood, Ray Dennis Steckler and Herschell Gordon Lewis as one of the worst movie directors of all time. To be sure, it takes a stout heart indeed (or a masochist, possibly...) to watch a Francis film. IMDb notes that every single movie that Francis made was the subject of an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. (MST3K, in case you didn't know, specialized in ridiculing some of the cheesiest Hollywood output, some of which have been the focus of The Midnite Drive-In)

The movie opens with a girl (Lanell Cado or maybe Mary Torres... she is identified in places by different names) just getting out of the shower and being strangled by an unseen person. And what this has to do with the story is anybody's guess. Her strangling never comes up throughout the rest of the movie. Apparently it was just added because the director liked the way she looked topless... 

 

And this is as close as you'll get to the topless scene for my blog

When we finally get to the movie proper, the narrator introduces us to Joseph Jaworsky (Johnson), a Russian scientist who has defected to the U.S. with proof that the Russians have secretly landed on the moon (this movie was made and is set in 1961, BTW, 8 years from the official landing made by the U.S., and since this is during the Cold War era, a Russian group getting there first would be troublesome for the Americans...)

Comrade Jaworsky, Soviet scientist extraordinaire 

 

BTW, why is the scientist landing at a remote spot in the desert with this potentially high security information instead of the Washington National Airport in D.C. (or whatever would pass for a high security port of call in the capitol area in 1961)?  

The Kremlin, via the KGB, being intensely interested that their secret not get out, has sent a couple of KGB agents (John Morrison and Anthony Cardoza) to kill Jaworsky and retrieve the incriminating evidence. And, boy, they must have sent the bottom of the barrel in agents because they fire off several shots and hit absolutely nobody, including Jaworsky. Since he is a pretty big target you would THINK it would be no problem... (BTW A note on the low budget aspect: Everyone appears to be using the same gun in this scene... Note the white butt on the grip...)

 

John Morrison

 

Producer Anthony Cardoza pulling double duty

 

This is followed by one of the slowest car chases in cinema history. I couldn't help but think back to the live video of the police chasing O. J. Simpson in the white Bronco, where it seemed like no one was really interested in apprehending their quarry. 

 

Low speed car chase! Don't want a ticket...

 

And, to top it off, the two cars end up stopped on the side of the road for a good old-fashioned gun battle, and Jaworsky takes to the hills. On foot. Walking. Or maybe better said, strolling...

 

Jaworsky working up a sweat on a hike through the scrubs

 

Unfortunately for Jaworsky, even though he is able to avoid the potshots of the Keystone Kops KGB, a test bomb of a nuclear weapon goes off in his vicinity (and don't even ask how he was able to get anywhere near the test site in the first place...)  But, since Jaworsky is ten feet wide, the bomb doesn't actually kill him. Instead it transforms him into our title monster. (Thank God, or this movie would have been even shorter than it is... Did I mention it's only about 50 minutes long?) 

 

The beast change in progress

 

Cut to a scene on a deserted portion of the highway where a man and his wife stop. While the man checks out a problem with the car, the wife calmly smokes a cigarette and waits. The man is strangled, and the killer manages to get in the back seat of the car and strangle the woman, too (without her noticing he even got back there...) Then the beast gathers up her body and goes stumbling off into the desert.

 

Waiting for her neck massage

OK, we're only 15 minutes into this movie, and nothing at all is clear. If it weren't for the narrator telling us what is going on we would be as oblivious to the action as those two unfortunate strangling victims. But it is revealed by the narrator that the strangler is the former Jaworsky, now a mutant nuclear monster. (Gee, thanks helping out, Mr. Francis...)

 

The beast himself

 

Next we get one lone police officer, Joe, who has been informed by a passing motorist that there is a dead guy lying on the road by a car a few miles back. He comes upon the body, notes the fact that there must also have been a woman because she left her purse, sees the tracks going off into the desert, and for a brief moment I think this John Wayne wannabe is going to go  chase after the strangler all by himself. But apparently he either comes to his senses, or more probably gets cold feet, and goes to a buddy to get help.

The officer gets his partner, Jim, who is asleep with his wife at his house. We get a brief scene of the wife in a negligee, whose apparent presence is just to have her cleavage on screen. Still fully dressed, unlike the girl in the opening scene, but her appearance seems to have no purpose except to titillate the viewer.

The pair go off hiking into the scrubs near the abandoned car, and find the cave where the beast stashed the girl. When they find her, amazingly she is still breathing. But not for long. (BTW: don't ask how these two knew that cave was where she'd be, it'll just warp your already befuddled mind...)

 

Relaxing after her massage

 

The film gets even more batty as it goes along. The next scene shows a family of four pulling into a gas station where the attendant is lying on a cot just relaxing, apparently oblivious to the fact that he has a customer. And we get one of the greatest lines I ever heard from one of these cheesy films: "Nothing bothers some people. Not even flying saucers..."  (Wait a minute... flying saucers...? Are there aliens in this movie? No. Well, not the outer space kind anyway...) 

Here we have what becomes one of the strangest sequences of events ever filmed. A married couple (Douglas Mellor and Barbara Francis) and their kids have a flat tire. While the man, Hank, changes the tire, the boys, Randy and Art (Ronald and Alan Francis) run off to explore. So Hank has to go off hiking in the scrub to find his two bratty kids who can't be bothered to stick by while Dad does the heavy work.

Dad changes the tire

 

Meanwhile, our two intrepid police officers, (whom I could probably call Abbott and Costello, but that would insult the comic legends), are still trying to track down the killer all alone without any sort of backup. They decide the best thing is for one of them to take a plane up so they can see the country better. "Jim," says Joe, "shoot first, ask questions later." (These are seasoned police officers? Maybe they are from L.A....) The problem is that the cops don't have any idea what their quarry looks like.

So while Hank is searching for his boys, Jim is up in the plane looking for the strangler. (Yeah. You see it coming a mile away, don't you...?) But, fortunately for Hank, Jim must've gone to the same marksmanship training course those earlier KGB agents did, because he couldn't hit an elephant with a bazooka... 

 

 

Eventually these people do end up finding the real beast at one point and take care of business, however.

Stay tuned for the final 30 seconds, though. You'll get to see a scene that was unscripted, when a walk on extra accidentally blundered into the camera scene and, instead of scrapping the shot, the director just left it in. (Probably because it would have cost a dollar or two more to reshoot it? But, hey, it's worth watching just for that...)

  

You wanted to see the extra? You didn't think I'd make it THAT easy, did you?

For a movie, The Beast of Yucca Flats looks like it was written by a couple of junior high kids after they had raided dad's liquor cabinet. Wikipedia claims the movie cost about $35,000 to make, but my opinion is that it cost only about $350... 

You think I'm being snarky? Before you judge let me point out a few things. First the wife and the kids in that car? They were the director's wife and his own kids. The first man strangled, Jim Oliphant, was one of the producers of the film. The part of Jim was played by another producer, Charles Stafford, using the screen name of "Bing " Stafford. Charles' little brother, Graham, played a brief scene as a newsboy. The director Francis himself played a couple of roles, as did Anthony Cardoza, one of the other producers of the film. Larry Aten, who played Joe, was also the makeup artist for the film, and Linda Bielma was his wife. The rest of the cast was played by other friends and neighbors of Francis. Hmmm. Maybe it only cost $35 to make it...

There was one other notable name in the film, however... Conrad Brooks. He got his start appearing in many of Ed Woods' films, but graduated to a slightly higher class of films later in life, like Curse of the Queerwolf, Test Tube Teens from the Year 2000, and The Demon Monster from Outer Space. He was in 108 films of varying quality. 

Most of the negative criticism for the film is heaped upon the lack of synchronized dialogue and Francis' pretty ridiculous narration. He sounds like Jack Webb if Webb had just got up, hung over from a long night of binge drinking and just wanted to get the narration over with so he could go back to bed.   

I never would have thought I would ever see a movie that comes even as close to being as bad as Teenage Zombies (still MY vote for the worst movie ever), but this one comes pretty damn close. And ye, and YET, it's still worth a shot, if only for the unintended humor of the situation. There are so many ridiculous plot points going on in this movie. Stuff that defies logic. That whole scenario of the one cop taking pot shots at Hank, without any motivation other than the fact that the guy is out running in the desert and the cop is looking for some guy out in the desert... that's just humorous. And the fact that the man keeps running, instead of, I don't know, plopping on the ground with his hands raised yelling "I surrender!..."

This was Tor Johnson's final film, BTW. He retired from acting just after this, and if you watch it, it might be apparent that he was physically out of shape by now. He survived for another 10 years, however, not passing away until 1971 from heart failure. Even despite the fact that he was playing a monster in the film, you can't help but feel a little pity for him, because it's obvious that Johnson was struggling from the exertion he had to put out to perform the role.

Well, folks, until next time, drive safely. And make sure the car is in good shape so you don't have to stop on some deserted stretch of desert road...

Quiggy

 

 

Bingeworthy: Episode 3 (Batman)

The Bingeworthy series was created in 2026, as an homage to some of my favorite TV shows, ones that I can sit through multiple episodes in one sitting (what the cognoscenti call "binging"). Each entry will cover several episodes that I think make the series worth binging. Sometimes I will vary it by picking one episode per season to highlight and other times I will just select a few outstanding episodes. (This will be especially important if a series went on for many years... I don't think ANYONE wants to see a 10+ episode post of a 10+ seasons series in a highlight post...) 

 

 

 

Note: A lot of the trivia I use in this post was culled from a book I have in my personal library: The Official Batman Batbook by Joel Eisner. My copy is a vintage first edition, but it has been reissued as a "revised" edition.

Bingeworthy: Episode 3: Batman (1966-68):

 

 

The Batman TV series was a cultural icon when it first aired. Although it only lasted a mere 3 seasons, and it's ultimate impact really only gelled in season 2, it hit the airwaves big time during it's brief run. 

After his premiere in Detective Comics #27 Batman got several tries at becoming a film icon. There were two movie serials in the 40's, Batman (1943) and Batman and Robin (1949). Neither of those ventures really pushed the character into  the stratosphere, however. 

When TV came along, however, a new medium offered the chance. In an interview with William Dozier, the producer of the series that eventually became Batman, he talks about the genesis. He says the programming department looked at several options for a superhero genre series. Superman, he says, was out, not because of the earlier George Reeves series, but because, (believe it or not!), there was a Broadway show in production featuring the character. There were a couple of other options, such as Dick Tracy, The Green Hornet and Little Orphan Annie, but eventually the powers that be settled on Batman.

The character went through the usual genesis that occurs in trying to bring the character to TV. One thing, which was probably inevitable, was the creation of a live-in female character, Aunt Harriet. This was apparently just a way to combat the insinuation that Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson had some sort of "immoral" relationship. 

It was a match made in Heaven for the series at the start. Eisner's introduction in the book referenced above refers to times when the crew would sometimes go to bars or college dorms and find crowds around the TV watching the newest episode. 

Batman turned out to be unique in more ways than one. For one thing, it was the first series to have ever aired as a two-part episode series. One half of what usually was an hour long episode would air one night and the second half would air on another night. This created a "cliffhanger" feel for the series, hearkening back to those 15 part serials that used to play at the theaters in years past.  

"Tune in tomorrow! Same Bat-time! Same Bat-channel!"  

BTW, that narrator in those episodes was producer William Dozier. They auditioned several voices, with Dozier giving the kind of delivery he wanted for the series. Eventually someone told him that he was the best person to do it, so that's how it ended up with Dozier's voice doing the job. 

The reason for the division into two separate episodes was, apparently, that ABC only had two half-hour time slots open in their schedule for the first season. The decision was made, therefore to cut the series episodes in half, with the fate of Batman and/or Robin left in a precarious position where death seemed eminent at the hands of the villain of the week.

Many critics of the series denounce the camp and humor of the series, since most of those critics are traditionalists, citing the gritty vigilante version of the character in the comic book, and disliking the way the series seemed to turn Batman almost into a buffoon. To be honest I prefer the Tim Burton and Christopher Nolan output over the 60's series, but there is something about Adam West's and Burt Ward's "in-all-seriousness banter" (always with such pure straightforward delivery, but it's this aspect that makes it all that much funnier) that appeals to me.

Sample dialogue:

Robin: Self-control is sure tough sometimes, Batman! 

Batman: All virtues are, old chum. Indeed, that's why they're virtues.

 

Robin: I AM a little hungry.

Batman: Of course, Robin. Even crime-fighters must eat. And especially you. You're a growing boy and you need your nutrition.

 

Robin: She looks very pretty when she's asleep.

Batman: I thought you might eventually notice that. That single statement indicates to me the first oncoming thrust of manhood, old chum.

("thrust of manhood"??? How they got that one by the censors is anybody's guess...)   

 

In casting the series, some actors, such as Neil Hamilton as Commissioner Gordon and Alan Napier as the Wayne butler, Alfred, were pretty much shoo-ins from the very start. The producers originally wanted Batman/Bruce Wayne to be played by Ty Hardin, but because he was doing spaghetti westerns in Italy, he was unavailable. They also tried out Lyle Waggoner. Eventually they settled on Adam West. Peter Deyell auditioned with Waggoner for the role of Robin, while Burt Ward auditioned with West. It was determined that West and Ward had the better chemistry for the campy feel the producers wanted for the series.

 

When I did my review of the 1966 movie Batman I referred to the villains in that film, The Joker, The Riddler, The Penguin and Catwoman, as the "Fearsome Foursome" (which I thought was an original moniker, but apparently I am not the only one to refer to them as such). The series only being three seasons, for this entry I decided to pick a favorite episode featuring each one of those four iconic villains. 

 

Now, Cesar Romero and Burgess Meredith were always The Joker and The Penguin. But Catwoman was played by Julie Newmar in only the first two seasons of the series, replaced in the third season by Eartha Kitt.  Also, Frank Gorshin was replaced by John Astin whenever The Riddler was the guest villain during season 2.  As such, I decided to go with just one instance of both. Since I had already focused another blog entry on Newmar's Catwoman, I decided to pick an Eartha Kitt Catwoman to highlight here. It was a bit tougher with The Riddler, since I liked both Gorshin's and Astin's essaying of the character. I ended up picking the one reviewed below because of the silent movie connection, although any of them could have conceivably made the cut.

 

The Riddler (episodes "Death in Slow Motion" and "The Riddler's False Notion" air dates; Apr. 27-28, 1966):

 

 

At a silent film festival hosted by Gotham's famous silent film aficionado, Mr. Van Jones (Francis X. Bushman, in his penultimate screen role and who was a silent film star in his own right...), The Riddler (Frank Gorshin) and his gang (which includes Shirley Jackson as "Pauline") show up to rob the payroll, in the guise of Charlie Chaplin and Keystone Kops look-alikes. The robbery is nothing, really, since the receipts only amount to about $200. The real purpose is that The Riddler has some devious plan involving filming his own version of a silent film.

The plot twists as The Riddler robs the Mother Gotham Bakery of it's payroll, once again filming the operation as part of his silent film. As well, he leads the Dynamic Duo to a local branch of the library, and more filming occurs. It also ends up with Robin being captured and apparently doomed to die by an ever threatening buzz saw. And, as our narrator intones:

After many gassers, here's the buzzer!

Is Robin going to wind up as his own double?

Incredible but true... Batman will not arrive in time!

Will we see the Boy Wonder sawed in two?

Tune in tomorrow! Same Bat-time! Same Bat-channel!

 

 

In part two we get more of the insidious plan of The Riddler. It turns out that Van Jones hired the Riddler to make a new silent film featuring Batman and Robin. But, as usual, The Riddler has taken the job to extremes that his benefactor had not intended. His plan, of course, all along, was to rob Van Jones blind. And it's up to Batman and Robin to foil his dastardly plot.

 

One of my favorite parts of Batman was the frequent use of Robin's catchphrase: "Holy (insert relational aspect to the scene here)". In these two episodes we got:

 

Robin: "Holy triple feature!"

 

We also get what is possibly my favorite instance of that aforementioned "in-all-seriousness banter", when Batman throws a Bat-a-rang to Robin to save him from falling and Robin catches it with his teeth:

 

Robin: "Holy molars! Am I ever glad I take good care of my teeth!"

Batman: "True. You owe your life to dental hygiene."

 

 

 

 

The Penguin (episodes "The Penguin Goes Straight" and "Not Yet, He Ain't" air dates Mar. 23-24, 1966):

 

 

TV and film are replete with instances of good guys going bad. Annakin Skywalker transforming into Darth Vader in the Star Wars saga, and Michael Corleone, who was initially a good guy becoming the ruthless gang lord in The Godfather are two that come to mind immediately. Also, in the first Tim Burton Batman Harvey Dent is a nice guy, but eventually becomes "Two-Face", a thorn in the side of Batman in Batman Forever.

 

So what happens when a "bad guy" goes "good"? That is what we are initially led to believe has happened when The Penguin suddenly becomes a crime fighter. He foils a robbery at a theater, saving the precious jewels of debutante Sophia Starr (Kathleen Crowley). He also prevents the kidnapping of wealthy Reggie Rich (William Beckley). For all intents and purposes it indeed looks like The Penguin has turned over a new leaf.

 

But Batman and Robin are suspicious. Especially since the Penguin has gone as far as to create a "Penguin Protection Agency" in which he purportedly will guard the jewels of Sophia Starr.  But what to do? It appears the cause is hopeless. Hitting on an idea, Batman suggests making some fake jewels of Miss Starr's collection. They plan to break in to her apartment and switch them. But they are caught by the Penguin and become criminals themselves.

 

The cliffhanger comes as a result of the Dynamic Duo going to a carnival, where they are captured by the Penguin and set up to be targets in a shooting gallery, with ace marksmen the Commissioner and Chief O'Hara to unwittingly do the dirty work of shooting them. The situation seems dire. As our narrator says:

 

"Batman and Robin... a swinging pair of dead ducks!

What on Earth can save them?

Don't shoot, commissioner! Don't shoot!

Good grief! Good night!

Double funeral tomorrow? Same Bat-time, same bat-channel!

Can you see any way out?" 

 

 

The Dynamic Duo. of course, escape. But they are still on the run from the law for their attempted burglary. What with the Penguin still posing as a law-abiding citizen and demanding the apprehension of his foes, it seems there might still be some hitch in their plan to catch the villain in whatever dastardly deed he has planned.

 

It turns out that the Penguin is NOT on the straight and narrow. In fact, he is going to get married to Starr. Or, really, he is getting with Starr in order to score some big time loot from the marriage... he isn't really planning to become a husband... that's just crazy talk.

 

The ubiquitous Robin catchphrase gets overtime in these two episodes:

 

Robin: "Holy nick of time!"

Robin: "Holy knockout drops!"

Robin: "Holy jackpot!"

Robin: "Holy leopard! What a change of spots!"

Robin: "Holy bat-trap!"

Robin: "Holy hot foot!"

Robin: "Holy nightmare!"

Robin: "Holy mush!"

Robin: "Holy Romeo and Juliet!"

  

And there's even a bonus one, courtesy of the Narrator:

 

Narrator: "Holy backfire!" 

 

 

 

Catwoman & The Joker (episodes "Funny Feline Felonies " and "The Joke's on Catwoman" air dates Dec. 28, 1967 & Jan. 4, 1968):

 

Every once in a while on Batman you got "double the pleasure, double the fun", so to speak, with not just one but two villains (not including the henchmen and hench-women of the starring villain, I mean...) Sandman (Michael Rennie) and Catwoman (Newmar) paired up in season 2, and so did The Joker and The Penguin. Liberace managed to pull that dual villain role all by himself playing Chandell and twin brother, Harry in an episode.

 

In this episode The Joker has just gotten paroled, through the efforts of Bruce Wayne and the warden of the prison. Is The Joker really reformed? When he is outside the prison Catwoman (Eartha Kitt) pulls up. But, as prearranged by the pair, The Joker is "kidnapped" by Catwoman.  

 

The two have a plan. Locate a cache of gunpowder that was hidden back in 1700's. So is this cache of gunpowder so rare that it's worth millions? Not in so many words. Instead the pair plan to use it to blow a hole in the Federal Depository (Gotham's version of Fort Knox, I guess...) In order to find this hidden cache they have to steal a nightshirt from the Early American era villain, which is currently in the possession of a high mucky-muck in the recording industry.

 

Batman and Robin arrive and proceed to do battle with the two villains and their henchman, but are incapacitated by Catwoman. She says they will shortly die and the dastardly bad guys leave, but they didn't count on Batgirl (Yvonne Craig) arriving just in the nick of time to save them. The Dynamic Duo rush off to the next point of the crime caper, a collector who has scores of valuable items, but all they make off with is what is to the collector an insignificant trinket. But said trinket is the next clue to finding the historic cache of gunpowder.

 

This is a rare episode in that the cliffhanger doesn't involve the Dynamic Duo left in some kind of life or death predicament. Which detracts somewhat from it's value, but since we have Romero and Kitt playing to their expertise as villains, it's not entirely a waste. Batman and Robin and Batgirl wonder where they could have disappeared to so quickly. It turns out that the villains are hanging out in the bushes waiting for Batman and Robin to leave, as the narrator gives his typical "cliffhanger" spiel:

 

"Closer than you think! Just outside waiting to ambush you. Will Joker and Catwoman make good their perfidious plan to steal millions? For the answer to these and other cataclysmic questions watch the next episode!" 

 

Meh.

 

Note: any one of two scenes in this episode would have served better for the ubiquitous cliffhanger: Either the one where the Duo are lying on the verge of death, or a scene in the second half where Batgirl is in danger (see below). But somewhere there MUST have been a cliffhanger that was worthy, as such, because at one point when the trio arrive where the villains are The Joker says something like "But you're supposed to be dead!!!", indicating that the villains had at some point left the Dynamic Duo in some life threatening situation... Anyway...

 

The second part of the episode is tied up primarily with a trial. But before we get to the trial there are some good scenes. In one Batgirl is enmeshed in some twine that Catwoman calls "cat whiskers", which when in contact with human sweat will contract thus squeezing the life out of our heroine. As usual, she escapes, and at the next place the villains are captured. Leading to a trial. With Batman acting as prosecutor he proves his case. But he doesn't count on the possibility of the jury being tampered with... 

 

Robin's catchphrase doesn't get much on this outing. Just one:

 

Robin: "Holy special delivery!" 

 

I noticed at this point, rather belatedly, that there was no representative episode from season two in this entry. So, since I picked an episode that paired Catwoman and The Joker together in one entry, I felt free to add one more villain. And I absolutely love Vincent Price. Price could do evil and funny with equal panache, and his appearance as Egghead during the run of the series proves he could pull off both in the same character.

 

Egghead (episodes "An Egg Grows in Gotham" and "The Yegg Foes in Gotham" air dates Oct. 13 & 19, 1966): 

 

 

 

The smartest man in the world (or, make that the second smartest, as Robin would have us believe) has made yet another appearance in Gotham proper. Egghead (Vincent Price) has a diabolical plan; to take over Gotham... legally.

 

A word of warning to the uninitiated: If you thought you had heard it all by the time you reach this episode let me disabuse you. The "groan muscle" in your gut concerning the "pun factor" is going to be working over time. After all, our villain is named Egghead, but it's not just because he is the smartest (or second smartest) man in Gotham. It's also because he is obsessed with eggs. The egg puns may overwhelm you (almost all of them courtesy of our villain).  In the first minute alone we get:

 

"Your EGGspert has much to learn."

"No material can resist my incomparable EGGsplosives."

"And now, let us make our EGGsit!"

 

Egghead steals the Gotham city charter. See, years ago, before America became the United States, three families had struck a lease with the Mohican Indian tribe. Every five years the surviving members of the main families of the Tyler, the Savage and the Wayne family have to pay 3 raccoon pelts each to the surviving member of the Mohican tribe or the lease will become null and void and possession of Gotham will revert to the Mohicans.

 

(Note: Many of you PC readers will probably be offended by the, admittedly, racist jokes that are going to crop up during this episode, not the least of which would be the ridiculous verbiage spouted by the Mohican tribe leader, Chief Screaming Eagle, played by Edward Everett Horton. It can't be avoided, and I don't really think the producers had any nefarious purposes by it. It was just a standard trope back then. That's not a defense, that's just a way of saying don't let your bustle get in a bunch...)  

 

Egghead uses the charter as his own personal insurance to gain control of the city. In order to gain control, he first gets the Chief on his side with promises of increased wealth for the tribe (of which the Chief is the only remaining member, so it's basically all going to him.) Then Egghead plans to kidnap the three surviving members of the city's charter, Bruce Wayne, Pete Savage (Albert Carrier) and Tim Tyler (Steve Dunne).

 

While under his control Egghead also intends to find out who Batman is. He has deduced that one of the three millionaires must be Batman, since only someone with a lot of free time on their hands could possibly have enough free time to devote for crime fighting. He also eliminates Tyler (who is left-handed) and Savage (who has an unmistakable French accent). Therefore Batman must be Bruce Wayne.

 

Egghead hooks Bruce up to a device that will somehow transfer everything Bruce knows into Egghead's brain. And, as the process begins, we get our cliffhanger (with a few more of those "EGG" puns):

 

"How diabolical! How inhuman! How EGGscruciating!

Will the worlds greatest criminal mind EGGstract the identity of Batman?

The EGGsplanation to these and other electric questions tomorrow!

 Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!"

 

 

Bruce and the rest of the millionaires do escape. But unfortunately they are a few minutes too late to prevent the expiration of the lease. Egghead has managed to wangle control of Gotham. And while major crimes like robbery are ignored the police are occupied by writing tickets for speeding, littering and, ye gods!, jaywalking. And Batman and Robin are banished from ever showing their masks in Gotham ever again.

 

But the Dynamic Duo are not down and out. They have a plan to foil Egghead and his dastardly deed, using that ingenious little trick of the small print...

 

So, as far as the Robin catchphrase we are back to more reasonable numbers:

 

Robin: "Holy semantics!"

Robin: "Holy IT&T!"

Robin: "Holy recompense!"

Robin: "Holy banks!" 

 

 

"Holy cancellation!" 

 

ABC cancelled the series at the end of season 3. There were plans to revive the series on NBC, but unfortunately a decision had been made prior to this development to bulldoze the sets of the ABC setting. With a potential cost of hundreds of thousands of dollars to rebuild the set for a new production, this plan was thwarted and never occurred. It's too bad. When I think of the potential stars who could have made appearances as "guest villains" it breaks my heart. We could have had the likes of, say, Alan Arkin as The Crimson Knight (and Arkin would have fit the campy villain mold pretty well, if you ask me), or Julie Andrews as Poison Ivy. (These are just a couple of my own ideas, but there could have been others. Feel free to comment on your own ideas...)

 

Batman would be done, as you already know, with great success in more serious roles. But I still love the old 60's series and would love to see a reboot someday.

 

Quiggy

 

 

 

Semiquincentennial Movie Project #36: Invasion of the Space Preachers

 

The Semiquincentennial  Movie Project is an ongoing celebration of the 250th anniversary of the founding of the United States. During the course of this project your humble blogger is choosing a movie a week to represent each of the 50 states in the Union, as well as a movie scheduled for 4th of July weekend that will represent the nation's capitol, Washington D.C. The order of the weekly entries will coincide with the order of each state's entry into the fold (although, not necessarily coinciding with the date of their entry into said fold).

 

 

Week #36: West Virginia -

 

 

 

The state of West Virginia was established on June 20, 1863 

Details about West Virginia:

State bird: cardinal

State flower: rhododendron

State tree: sugar maple

Additional historical trivia:

You probably know; West Virginia came about because a sector of Virginia disagreed with the state seceding from the Union during the Civil War.

On that note: the first significant conflict of the Civil War was the Battle of Philippi, fought in WV. 

Anne Jarvis, a WV native, created the holiday we know as Mother's Day.

Wilt Chamberlin's NBA record 100 points in a game pales by comparison to Danny Heater, who scored a whopping 135 points in one game. And that was in a game that only lasted 32 minutes!

The least modernized county in the U.S., Monroe County, has 0 traffic lights in the entire county. (A website I saw also said there were no fast food places in the county.)

Famous people born in West Virginia: Don Knotts, Peter Marshall (original host of Hollywood Squares), Brad Paisley, Red Sovine (trucker song singer; Teddy Bear, Phantom 309, Giddy-Up Go), Randy Moss, George Brett, Pearl S. Buck and Chuck Yeager, 

 

 

Strangest Dreams: Invasion of the Space Preachers (1990): 

This is a movie, not initially made by the infamous Troma Entertainment, but was released by them, so if you are familiar with their output you know what is coming next... low budget trip with outrageous (and possibly offensive) humor and a satirical bent. Their most well-known output would include The Toxic Avenger, Class of Nuke 'em High and Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead.

Note: There are virtually no pics for this film on Google, and I don't know how to do screenshots, so apologies... 

Invasion of the Space Preachers is an absurd film. (You were expecting Citizen Kane from the Troma company?) It stars nobody you ever heard of. (Once again, it's Troma. You're not going to get Anthony Hopkins...) Most of the actors and actresses in this film have less than 6 roles to their credit, and almost all of them for movies directed by the director, Daniel Boyd (W\who himself only has 6 movies to his credit).

The basic plot jumps off by having two fairly clueless guys, Walter (Jim Wolfe) and  Rick (Guy Nelson), out on a get away to a remote cabin in the backwoods hills of West Virginia. Walter is a dentist (and probably not one you'd trust near you with a tooth drill). rick has an exciting life as a secret agent. (Actually he's just an accountant with a predilection for creating fantasy lives for the entertainment of the local kids).

The boys get a little lost and end up in a hick bar where the locals tell them that they should avoid Truman Gator (John Marshall) like a hangover. Except Truman is the guy these two ended up renting their getaway cabin from. And true to the warnings, Truman tries to milk these two for every cent he can get out of them.

But before they meet Truman they have an encounter with Reverend Lash (Gary Brown), a preacher who seems to have an unusual control and effect on the locals.  He also has a predilection for using a whip to get his point across (hence the name "Lash"... get it?)

 

Just when you think it couldn't get any weirder, the two find a downed spaceship and an alien who is alive but somewhat incapacitated. They take the alien with them to the cabin. (Wouldn't you?) The cabin turns out to be something less than advertised, it's a shambles. They put the alien in a nearby shed and go to sleep.

When they wake up, they find the alien gone! They also find themselves in trouble with a local survivalist group, led by Vic (Jesse Johnson), who think they might not be all that on the up-and up, and capture them and put them in a chicken cage. Fortunately for them, one of their girlfriends comes along and vouches for them. The "girlfriend" in question is actually the alien they rescued, who identifies herself as Nova (Eliska Hahn). (BTW: Ms. Hahn just passed away last month...)

 

It turns out that Nova comes from the same planet that Reverend Lash came from (as if you wouldn't know Lash was an alien by now...) It seems that back on her home planet Lash, who is known to her as Krytar", killed her brother and she is now seeking revenge.

 

So what is Lash/Krytar doing on Earth? Well, it seems he has some nefarious plan to turn the Earth citizens into mindless zombies (although for what purpose is never exactly explained...) As such, he is spouting some ridiculous drivel about peace, love and harmony (and dedication to the Reverend Lash). 

Vic comes along, now friends with Walter  and Rick, and takes them on a survivalist training mission up in the mountains, but is disappointed to find that the two dweebs  have no more idea what to do with a gun than a vegan does with air fryer.

Meanwhile, this movie also tries to be part musical. There are a couple of scenes with a rockabilly wannabe, Johnny Angel (John Riggs). Johnny also ends up becoming an ally of Walter and Rick, but on the other side, the songs he does make the film a bit more bearable. 

Eventually (...!) we get to the climax, where Lash has acquired the use of a a TV hookup so he can exert his nefarious plan on a wider scale. And the ultimate showdown, made all the more difficult because Lash/Krytar has managed to convert most of the town to zombies. (One might wonder why Lash/Krytar set his initial sights so low by starting with a backwoods hicksburg West Virginia town, instead of, say, San Francisco, like the aliens did in the 1976 version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers...)

 

One thing of note for this film.. scan back up and look at the movie poster. Even though the girl, Nova, is pictured in a one-piece swimsuit, at no point during this movie does she ever wear one. That's what I call false advertising.

Invasion of the Space Preachers is pretty ridiculous, even for Troma. It has the feel of "Let's just throw everything at the wall and see what sticks to it". It was a direct-to-video release, so information on it's production is fairly thin. It has a 4 out of 10 IMDb rating, and absolutely nothing on the Tomatometer. Contemporary reviews, as such, are nil.

Entertainment wise, it's not much, but jeez, if you wanted me to pick something like Sweet Dreams or Patch Adams or, God help us!, Rain Man you came to the wrong blog. It's not worth a second watch, I admit, but it is stupid and quirky enough to spend a rainy afternoon with if you don't want to clean house.

See you next time, folks. And if you are channel surfing on your radio, beware of some of those radio preachers... one of them might just not be what he seems to be...

Quiggy