A Soldier's Life is Hell

 

 

 Fair Warning! This movie review is as family friendly as I can make it, considering the content. The movie itself is NOT family friendly.  I say this to warn the more conservative readers of this blog.

 

Pop Quiz:  Which of the following is out of place?

1. Movies:

    a. Rain Man

    b. Dangerous Liaisons

    c. Mississippi Burning

    d. Hell Comes to Frogtown

 

2. Directors:

    a. Barry Levinson

    b. Martin Scorcese

    c. Mike Nichols

    d. Donald G. Jackson

 

3.  Actors:

    a. Dustin Hoffman

    b. Gene Hackman

    c. Tom Hanks

     d. Rowdy Roddy Piper

 

4. Actresses:

    a. Jodie Foster

    b. Glenn Close

    c. Meryl Streep

    d. Sandahl Bergman

 

If you chose any answer but d. on the above questions, you may just be in the right blog.

The questions have the winners (a. each time) of the Oscars, and two of the runners-up (b. and c. ) for 1988 films.  The d. answers refer to another film from 1988 which was not even in the consideration, Hell Comes to Frogtown.

Donald G. Jackson made a career out of low budget schlock like The Demon Lover and Rollergator. (now there's one I'd like to find, featuring a talking alligator if the stuff on IMDb is to be believed...) He also made this movie as well as three sequels to it.  

I remember when I first moved to San Marcos to go to college, I would page through the movie section of the local counterculture magazine  The Austin Chronicle. I often looked longingly at the oddball titles of movies that were usually showing only at one theater in Austin (and often with only one showing time that conflicted with my college schedule)

Many of them I managed to find later, either as VHS rentals, or in recent years, finding a vintage remaster on DVD.  Hell Comes to Frogtown was one of those that was always at the back of my mind but I never got the chance to watch, mainly because I never saw it in the stacks at the store.  Maybe there was a reason for that. (And you may get your own theories after reading what is in the film...)

 The films titular star, Sam Hell (which is actually short for "Hellman" but everyone just calls him "Hell"), is "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, a former wrestling star.  Piper has an astounding 176 acting credits to his name, according to IMDb, but 150 or so of them are as himself, for his wrestling videos.  (And some people say wrestling is "real",,,) He has actually acted in non-wrestling roles, including one of my favorite movies, They Live  in  which, like this one,  he also battles a race of non-human characters

Along with him is Sandahl Bergman.  Bergman started out as a dancer. (She is one of the Muses in the early dance scene in Xanadu. She went on from there to star next to Arnold Schwarzenegger in the first Conan movie, which garnered her what would be the last entry of a Golden Globe for Best New Star - Actress. From there she is been in middling performances over the years including a Razzie-nominated role in Red Sonja. (which she lost to her co-star in Red Sonja Brigitte Nielsen (who won the Worst Supporting Actress Razzie for her role in Rocky IV).  

 

 

The only other name (or face) you might recognize is William Smith  Smith mad a career out of being a secondary character in dozens of movies and TV episodes.  He was working right up until his death a couple of years ago at 88.  Some of you more conservative might remember him best on the mini series Rich Man, Poor Man in which he was Falconetti.  But he was often cast in military roles in straight to video movies.  (Gotta make it in the business any way you can.)

There is a great enjoyment for me in watching post-apocalyptic movies.  Usually the world has gone to Hell in a hand basket (no reference to the title character...).  This one is no exception.  And depending on your personal outlook it might be the better for it.  You see, the women are all in charge.

Hell Comes to Frogtown (1988):

The movie begins with an overview of how we got to this point.

 "In the latter days of the twentieth century, there arose a difference of opinion. 

The leading experts at the time believed that a nuclear war would only

involve the exchange of a few bombs. And then the suitably horrified

combatants would sit down a the peace table.

They were wrong."

 

So by the time of the setting of the movie, the population of the human portion of the world has been rapidly descending.  This is because the male population was virtually wiped out (or made sterile) as a result of the after effects of the nuclear destruction.  There are only a few men with the ability to help the procreation process kick back into high gear. 

One of these is Sam Hell (Roddy Piper).  A direct descendant of "Snake" Plissken ( Escape from New York and Escape from L.A.), Sam is an outlaw, only his big crime is having sex with as many women as he can.  When we first see Sam he is being beaten up by Devlin (William Smith), a law enforcement figure, but also the father of one of the girls that Sam has gotten pregnant.  (So he has some personal vendetta going for him, too, not just a dislike of the criminal variety.)

Hell is rescued by a pair of women, Patton (Eyde Byrde) and Spangle (Sandahl Bergman).  The women offer Sam a total immunity for past crimes if he will sign up to help repopulate the Earth.  Sam is outfitted with a special device that is essentially the male version of the chastity belt. He isn't totally incapable of performing any acts, but he does have to do it only when it is in the service of the government.

And his first job?  He has to help rescue a group of potential mothers who have been taken hostage by the leader of Frogtown (the reservation that has been set aside for the frogmen (greeners), Commander Toty (Brian Frank).

 

Commander Toty

 

 

Hell takes off with Spangle and Centinella (Cec Verrell) to infiltrate Frogtown, driving a pink (go figure) minivan/land rover.

 

Centinella

 

 

Once in Frogtown, Hell meets up with an old friend, an old somewhat eccentric old coot, appropriately named Looney Tunes ( Rory Calhoun), a renegade who is double dealing with the Greeners for his own profit. 

Looney Tunes

 

 

 He also garners an ally among the frog people in the person of Arabella (Kristi Somers).  Both are instrumental in his quest to free the girls Toty is holding.

 

 

Arabella

Who looks a lot better without makeup

 

T

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

he parallels between this movie and Escape from New York abound including the oddball ally (similar to "The Brain" in EFNY) and the leader of the renegades in the town (similar to "The Duke") and of course the quest to save the President, I mean the fertile women.

One  of the running plot devices (gags) is that Hell's chastity belt is wired to blow if he gets too far away from the signal from Spangle's earring, which leads to several scenes where his monitor starts to warn him its about to explode.

Along the way we get to meet the mastermind human behind all the nuclear weapons mumbo jumbo that crops up during the film.  It's a character named Colonel Sodom.  And of course, Sodom is our friend from the beginning of the movie who is beating the crap out of Hell before the women arrive to save him.

Of course, you know how all this is going to end.  But one of the best lines is when Spangle says after he has performed his duties maybe the two of them can get together for a liaison.  "What duties?" he asks. Spangle indicates the five women in the back of the minivan/land rover.  And Hell delivers the final line:

"I guess it's true what they say.  A soldier's work is never done."

As I warned you at the beginning, if you made it this far, you know it;s not one to watch with the kids.  (Unless you want to start early explaining about the birds and the bees.) But if you just want to spend a quiet evening with the significant other watching a mindless movie, it's not a bad choice.

Well, time to fire up the engines on the Plymouth (which fortunately isn't pink)  Drive safely, folks.

Quiggy