When Food Fights Back

 

 

 

 

This is my entry in the Food & Film Blogathon hosted by 18 Cinema Lane.

 

"Sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes, well, he eats you." 

                                                                             -The Stranger in "The Big Lebowski" 

 

 

Man vs. Food. Dating back to even prehistoric times, man had to struggle to survive. Whether he was  trying to kill a saber-tooth tiger before the tiger killed him, or trying that new plant over there, only to find out, "whoops, that wasn't such a hot idea...", man has struggled to find some middle ground in the battle to put food on the plate.

 

But usually, in these modern times at least, it's safe to go to the local supermarket and stock up on food.  The eggs aren't going to suddenly erupt and hatch a dozen rabid zombie chickens running through the store. And you can be reasonably sure that there won't be a revolt in the canned food aisle as customers are assaulted by demonic corn. (Unlike the threat that you get from the "corn" of your humble blogger...)

 

But what if there was a threat from this "innocent" food for which we take for granted?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1978):

 

From the opening sequence of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes-

 

In 1963, Alfred Hitchcock made a motion picture entitled "The Birds", a film which depicted a savage attack upon human beings by flocks of the winged creatures. People laughed.

 

In the fall of 1975, 7 million blackbirds invaded the town of Hopkinsville, Kentucky, resisting the best efforts of mankind to dislodge them.

 

No one is laughing now.... 

 

 

 The opening involves a woman working in her kitchen when she hears an odd noise coming from the sink. Out of the sink comes a tomato. The tomato springs on the woman as she screams in horror. As the theme song introduces the threat on the horizon (just in case you may not have gotten it from the title...)

And by the way, the theme song reminds me of an old song I heard on the Dr. Demento radio show, "The Cockroach that Ate Cincinnati"...

 

"Attack of the killer tomatoes!

Attack of the killer tomatoes!

They'll beat you, bash you, squish you, mash you, chew you up for brunch!

And finish you off, for dinner or lunch!

 

They're marching down the halls! 

They're crawling up the walls!

They're gooey, gushy, squishy, mushy, rotten to the core!

They're standing outside your door!"

 

 

 

Featuring a cast of unknowns (except Jack Riley, who you may recognize as one of Dr.  Bob Hartley's (Bob Newhart) regular patients on The Bob Newhart Show), along with "The Royal Shakespearean Tomatoes", and based on the best selling novel "The Tomatoes of Wrath", Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is one of the first ever horror parody movies, later to be a more common theme with such movies as The Evil Dead movies, Student Bodies,  Zombieland, and who can forget Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Alien, Flesh-Eating, Hellbound, Zombified Living Dead Part II (In Shocking 2-D)?

 

The  film is chock full of one-liners, visual gags and (to be forewarned) some decidedly racist and misogynistic jokes. The ensuing opening scenes get the ball rolling with an investigation of the woman, now dead, and no clues except for the obvious bloody corpse. But wait! That's not blood! It's... tomato juice! 

 

But, ah friends, this is just the beginning.  It seems that tomatoes have taken on a life of their own and causing havoc throughout the city! A guy is strangled after drinking a cup of tomato juice! An older couple sit on their couch watching a giant tomato chase little Timmy (off screen). The tomato eats Timmy. "He ate him all up... poor Timmy."

 

 

 

The scene shifts to a farm where the police are attacking a marauding gang of tomatoes. One of the tomatoes apparently causes a helicopter to crash. Side note: Apparently that crash was real. Since no one was actually injured the producers decided to keep it in the film... Might as well, since that helicopter probably cost as much as the rest of the film's budget combined...)

 

The authorities are trying everything to contain the tomatoes, but bugs, chemicals, bullets... nothing seems to work.A security chief for the President (Jack Riley) has called in the top generals, scientists and experts of varying fields to solve the problem and try to keep the outbreak under wraps. His main guy, Mason Dixon (David Miller) is so far undercover that no one eve knows who he is. All this because the powers that be just wanted to develop a bigger healthier tomato...

 

In a converted clothes closet, a bunch of army personnel meet to try to figure out what to do. 

 

 

And here is one of those scenes that, in retrospect, comes off as a bit insensitive. The leader of the group introduces Dr. Fuji Nokitofa (Paul Oya). The Japanese scientist is obviously a parody of Japanese sci-fi scientist in such Japanese movies as Godzilla, as he is obviously speaking Japanese from the way his lips move, but is dubbed by a ridiculous overdub by an American voice. Not only that, but he refers to tomatoes as "fags", when he means fruits. (BTW, tomatoes are fruits, not vegetables, just in case you didn't know...)

 

Dr. Nokitofa's plan is to bring in a half-man, half robot super human to do battle, but the robot is a bit under developed. So the back up plan is team up Dixon with a highly qualified team of helpmates; Sam Smith (Gary Smith), a disguise expert,  Greta Attenbaum (Benita Barton), a swimming expert, Greg Coburn (Steve Cates), an underwater expert, and Lt. Wilbur Finletter (Stephen Peace).

 

 

 

Meanwhile the local newspaper editor, desperate to have someone cover this new developing story about tomatoes is forced to send his only available reporter, the society column reporter, Lois Fairchild (Sharon Taylor) out to cover the story, mainly because she has a "good sense of organization, fluid style, a dark mind... and a nice ass..." (I warned you about the misogynistic aspect...)

 

 

 

So did I mention there is a musical aspect to this film? Occasionally we are treated to the top 10 hit, number one with a bullet as they say, "Puberty Love". Sung off key with a horrendous voice, the song crops up occasionally. And if you can't see where that is going before the movie ends, you obviously aren't familiar with this particular trope in these kinds of movies. Needless to say that "number one with a bullet" is a propos, because by the time the movie reaches it's climax, you may want to put a bullet in an appropriate place. 

 

 

 

The experts on Dixon's team are finally gathered together. After dropping off the underwater expert and the swimming expert in the dusty desert (why? how should I know?) Dixon decides that the undercover expert, who by the way is a black man who seems to be fooling people that he is George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Adolph Hitler (!) could be best put to use disguised as a tomato (!!). He is to go undercover and infiltrate the tomato camp.

 

 

 

From here on out the film is padded with plenty more gags that will boggle the mind, including a street view of a trolley climbing a hill in "New York". The "New York gag crops up several times, even though it is obviously San Francisco. In "New York" the representative of the President, Jim Richardson (George Wilson), is sent to get an overzealous ad executive (Al Sklar) at Myth Maker to come on board to help deceive the public that there really is no threat from the recently overactive tomato population. And here we get another of those musical scenes as the executive points out the value of being able to manipulate public opinion through advertising.

 

 

 

Eventually it comes down to an all out battle for the control of the city of New York (or possibly San Francisco...)  But with all the fire power that the army can muster, those pesky tomatoes seem to be winning the battle. A newscaster intones: "Across  the length and breadth of the nation the tomatoes continue on their rampage of wanton destruction! Burning! Pillaging! Raping!" (Raping??!!). Nothing seems to be effective.  And yet another of those musical interludes as a squad of soldiers lament about their inability to defeat the horde of tomatoes.

 

 

 

Spoiler alert!: If you want to watch this film, stop right now and go watch it. I'll still be here when you get back. Watched it now? 

 

It seems that Jim Robinson, the press secretary has a nefarious plan with these tomatoes; he plans to use them to cause havoc and then step in as the savior, causing the people to reject the current President and eventually make HIM leader for life. (What does all this have to do with it? Maybe he was the one behind the animating of the tomatoes in the first place, although that part isn't really clear.) 

 

But wait! There is hope! It seems the tomatoes do have an Achilles heel.  Remember that horrible number one song? Think to the last time you were forced to listen to Debbie Boone's You Light Up My Life. Remember the nausea that song had upon you? Well, the tomatoes seem to feel the same way about "Puberty Love". The finale comes when the city lures the tomatoes to San Diego Stadium (San Diego, I thought this was New York... or was that San Francisco?..)

 

 

 

As the credits roll, there is another stirring in the garden as the carrots start to come to life... "All right, you guys... they're gone now..." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Attack of the Killer Donuts (2016):  

 

Oops! Somebody made a mistake. That somebody would be the demented Uncle Luther (Michael Swan). Luther is the uncle of our movie's hero, Johnny Wentworth (Justin Ray). Johnny lives with his mother, Emma (Kassandra Voyagis). Mom is always nagging on her son, especially about his lack of ambition, and his failure to mow the lawn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Johnny is an employee at Dandy Donuts, where he works with his childhood friend, Michelle (Kayla Compton). Michelle has had a crush on Johnny since childhood, but Johnny fails to see it.  In fact, Johnny is apparently blind to everything in the realm of love. 

 

 

 

He considers Veronica (Lauren Elise) to be his girlfriend, even though the two have never been intimate, and it is obvious from the very beginning that she is just using him for money. She has been in a physical relationship with a pseudo-surfer dude on the side, Bobby (Aaron Groben).

 

 

 

Johnny has a rough relationship with his demented Uncle Luther, a mad scientist who lives in a shed on the Wentworth property and is constantly stealing Johnny's laptop for use in his crazy science schemes. His current formula is a serum that is supposed to reanimate the dead. When Johnny goes to Luther to get his laptop back, Luther is none too pleased.  He determines to go to the doughnut shop and retrieve the laptop so he can continue his work.

 

At the doughnut shop, Luther gets into a scuffle with the owner of Dandy Donuts, Cliff (Chris DeChristopher). During the fight Luther loses a vial of his serum which lands in the doughnut fryer.  The icky green fluid mixes in with the grease and causes the doughnuts to become animated. (Well, what were you expecting from a movie titled Attack of the Killer Donuts??)

 

 

In this mix comes, what else... police officers. Although Officer Hammerstein (Cliff Burbank) is reluctant to take advantage of the doughnut shop, Officer Rogers (C. Thomas Howell) is salivating over the free doughnuts he knows the doughnut shop is going to give them.  The two go into the shop, leaving a suspect they have arrested.  The suspect almost frees himself, but is still there when they return. The suspect begs for a doughnut and the officers give in.

 

 

    

Meanwhile, a rival doughnut shop owner, some nut who thinks he can make health conscious doughnuts arrives to taunt cliff with his new creation.  Cliff gives Flanagan (Michael Rene Walton) one  of his own doughnuts, which he claims is fat-free and sugar-free. (It's not...) Flanagan and the suspect both become victims of the killer doughnuts. 

 

 

 

Meanwhile, back at the doughnut shop, three rather unsavory characters come in and start sexually harassing Michelle. She pepper sprays them, but when Cliff finds out he takes their side of the story as the truth and fires Michelle.  Johnny quits because Cliff won't listen to him tell the truth of what happened.  Cliff gives the three hoodlums a box of free doughnuts. (I don't think ANYBODY in this movie paid for any doughnuts.  You gotta wonder how Dandy Donuts stays in business).

 

The pair meet up with Johnny's friend, Howard (Ben Heyman), who unbeknownst to Johnny has been making time with Johnny's mother. The three discover the threat of the killer doughnuts and go to crazy Uncle Lester to find a solution to the problem.  He has an anti-serum that he has created (that was thoughtful of him). The serum, which is pink, will reverse the process. Unfortunately it seems that requires injecting the serum into each doughnut individually.  Johnny and Michelle end up trapped in a closet in the doughnut shop and their chances for survival appear to be slim.

 

 

 

But fear not! Johnny has a plan.  They can blow up the doughnut shop and take out the doughnuts. (That's your plan, Johnny?  How do we escape the explosion? asks Michelle.)  But Johnny is resourceful.  

 

It was a great plan by the doughnuts, and it would have worked... if it hadn't been for those meddling kids... (Sorry, but that Scooby-Doo line always seems to come to mind in these kinds of movies).

 

Well folks, time to crank up the Plymouth and head home. And I'm seriously considering not stopping off for a pizza or ice cream on the way...

 

Quiggy

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