Semiquincentennial Movie Project #17: Harper Valley P.T.A.

 

 

The Semiquincentennial  Movie Project is an ongoing celebration of the 250th anniversary of the founding of the United States. During the course of this project your humble blogger is choosing a movie a week to represent each of the 50 states in the Union, as well as a movie scheduled for 4th of July weekend that will represent the nation's capitol, Washington D.C. The order of the weekly entries will coincide with the order of each state's entry into the fold (although, not necessarily coinciding with the date of their entry into said fold).

 

Week #17: Ohio -

 

 

 

The state of Ohio was established on March 1, 1803

Details about Ohio:

State bird: cardinal

State flower: scarlet carnation

State tree: buckeye

 

Additional historical trivia:

As pictured above, the Ohio state flag is the only state flag that is not in the traditional rectangular shape.

The capitol of Ohio, Columbus, has a bigger population than both Cleveland and Cincinnati combined, even those other two are more widely known by the rest of the nation. 

"As Ohio goes, so goes the nation" is a popular phrase during Presidential elections. Only 9 Presidents since the admission of Ohio to the Union have been elected President without winning Ohio. (That's 35-9 if you want the tally).

1803?  Or 1953?  The official documentation to make Ohio a state was not actually signed until 1953. Meaning it was a "poser" for 150 years. (Although Eisenhower did make it a state retroactively...)

Ohio is the only state to have a State Rock Song. It's "Hang On Sloopy".

Superman was created by two Cleveland residents, Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster.

The TV shows "Family Ties," "3rd Rock from the Sun," "Glee," "Clarissa Explains It All," "The Drew Carey Show" and "Hot in Cleveland" all are set in Ohio.

A favorite movie of your blogger, Howard the Duck, is set in Cleveland.

Famous people born in Ohio: LeBron James, Jack Nicklaus, Neil Armstrong, Steven Spielberg, Halle Berry, Charles Manson, Harriet Beecher Stowe, and several U.S. Presidents: James A. Garfield, Ulysses S. Grant, Warren G. Harding, both Benjamin and William Henry Harrison, William McKinley and William Howard Taft.  

  

 

 

Harper Valley P.T.A. (1978): 

Harper Valley P.T.A. began life as a song. It was written by Tom T. Hall (a personal childhood favorite country singer and songwriter of your blogger, by the way). It was recorded by Jeannie C. Riley and is one of the few country songs that managed to make it to #1 on both the country and pop charts in 1968. (It's happened 13 times in the last 25 years, but only 18 times in the previous 41 years.) The popularity of the song (eventually) led to a major film adaptation of the story. Sort of...

The movie is really what happens after the events of the song and, therefore, could conceivably  have been titled Harper Valley P.T.A: Part II. Since the song itself is in the opening credits of the film, and the event of the song is played out in the first 15 minutes it seems relevant that I quote the song in it's entirety since what happens in the movie is as a result of what happens in the song.

I wanna tell you all a story 'bout
A Harper Valley widowed wife
Who had a teenage daughter
Who attended Harper Valley Junior High
Well, her daughter came home one afternoon
And didn't even stop to play
And she said, "Mom, I got a note here 

From the Harper Valley PTA"

 

Well, the note said, "Mrs. Johnson
You're wearin' your dresses way too high
It's reported you've been drinking
And a-running 'round with men and goin' wild
And we don't believe you oughta be a-bringin' up
Your little girl this way."
And it was signed by the Secretary
Harper Valley P.T.A.

 

Well, it happened that the P.T.A. was gonna meet
That very afternoon
And they were sure surprised
When Mrs. Johnson wore her miniskirt into the room
And as she walked up to the blackboard
I can still recall the words she had to say
She said, "I'd like to address this meeting of the Harper Valley P.T.A.

 

Well, there's Bobby Taylor sittin' there
And seven times he's asked me for a date
And Mrs. Taylor sure seems to use a lotta ice
Whenever he's away
And Mr. Baker can you tell us why
Your secretary had to leave this town?
And shouldn't widow Jones be told to keep
Her window shades all pulled completely down.

 

Well, Mr. Harper couldn't be here
'Cause he stayed too long at Kelly's Bar again,
And if you smell Shirley Thompson's breath
You'll find she's had a little nip of gin.
And then you have the nerve to tell me
You think that as the mother I'm not fit.
Well, this is just a little Peyton Place
And you're all Harper Valley hypocrites"

 

No, I wouldn't put you on because it really did
It happened just this way
The day my mama socked it to the Harper Valley P.T.A.
The day my mama socked it to the Harper Valley P.T.A.

 

                                                       -lyrics by Tom T. Hall 

 

 

 

The town, of course, doesn't think too highly of Stella Johnson (Barabara Eden) for her impertinence and several things happen. For one, her house gets toilet papered. Obviously the town is peopled by a bunch of former juvenile delinquents... (either that or maybe it really was the kids of the town who did it, but that means the parents aren't very observant of their own juvenile delinquents...) But for their part the "adults" of the town have their own tactics, such as threatening to expel Stella's daughter, Dee (Stella Smith).

 

Stella, not being one to take such tactics lying down, decides to exact some revenge. For one thing she lures Bobby Taylor (John Fielder) to a motel room, and after he has completely disrobed pushes him out into the hallway, locks the door to the room, and ditches his clothes. 

With the help of a good friend, Alice (Nanette Fabray), who is a beautician, she puts some concoction in a hair tonic that causes the P.T.A. President Flora's (Audrey Christie) hair to fall out at her snobbish party.

She uses a camera to film Willamae (Fay DeWitt), the snotty biology teacher who secretly has rendezvous with the town mailman, Barney (Tobias Anderson), which is then spliced into a sex education film the teacher shows to her class of junior high girls. (OK, so that is a little questionable... surely Stella and her cohort knew the stag film would be shown to underage girls...)

Stella has a few allies in town, including town rich guy Willis (Ronny Cox), who is definitely not a fan of Flora and wants Stella to run against her for election in the new session of the P.T.A. 

 

 

But, of course, the snobbish members of the P.T.A. are entirely opposed to having Stella put in her candidacy. Stella does have a few allies on her side, however, including Skeeter Duggan (Bob Hastings), who would be the deciding vote to allow Stella to run for President. So a plan is hatched to kidnap Skeeter long enough to keep him from appearing at the vote.

Such subterfuge involves hiring two bumbling hoodlums, Tex (J.J. Barry) {who doesn't wear a cowboy hat} and Dutch (Royce D. Applegate) {who does wear a cowboy hat, which causes a bit of confusion}. The pair take Skeeter and chain him up in a monastery. Meanwhile Stella's allies are on the lookout so they can find and rescue him.

The whole plot is convoluted and a series of misadventures are going to occur before the finale. It's probably not a spoiler that Stella and her cohorts succeed, however. The last scene involves Stella, having won the President position, and Willis taking off in a helicopter to get married... with a banner behind it that reads "Stella Johnson for Mayor".

It's relevant, I think, to note that social mores were a bit more accepting of independent women of Stella's type by 1978. When the original song came out ten years earlier America, and the world, were not quite ready to adjust to the concept, but the Summer of Love and the ensuing changes that came as a result had had 10 years to start adjusting. The attitudes of the townspeople in the film, watched today, may seem quaint, but I think they may have even started to feel a little quaint even in the context of the time of the film.

Once again, with the incident mentioned above about the edited sex education film included, some of Stella's tactics may not be all that acceptable, even today. One wonders about how fit a mother Stella may actually be. After all, she includes Dee in some of her tactics, including a scene where they kidnap a few elephants (elephant-nap?) and paint them pink and release them to basically demolish one of the P.T.A. member's house. Dee basically becomes a pawn in the conflict, and it's kind of hard not to feel sorry for her.

The film has only a 53% rating on the Rotten Tomatoes site, but it did manage to make a decent profit ($25 million ticket sales against a $1 million budget). Enough interest in the concept sparked a brief run as a TV series in 1981, which lasted two seasons, with Barbara Eden reprising her role as Stella. 

Among the interesting credits in the film was a credit that said the horse manure used in one scene was courtesy of Seattle Slew. The same Seattle Slew that won the Triple Crown in horse racing in 1977. But, apparently, it was just a joke the film makers included, and not necessarily the real Seattle Slew who provided the manure... 

Also, not credited in the movie,  Woody Harrelson made his debut in the film. (Sorry, but even armed with this knowledge, I couldn't figure out where he appears in the film... Given that he was only 16 or 17 at the time, though, it stands to reason he is one of Dee's classmates.  Good luck in picking him out if you choose to try to watch for him.)

The film was primarily shown in drive-in theaters upon it's release, which makes it one of the few movies I am doing for this project that actually fits for The Midnite Drive-In.  

That's all for this week. Drive safely folks.

Quiggy

 

 

A Job For Imbeciles

 

 

This is my entry in the Kenneth Williams Blogathon hosted by The Wonderful World of Cinema.

 

 

The classic Sherlock Holmes novel The Hound of the Baskervilles, first published in 1902 by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, has been adapted numerous times, both as a feature film and as part of on an ongoing television series. The story is usually adapted to fit in to whatever the current climate or milieu that is part of the presentation. Many of them featured Sherlock in his own time period of the late 19th and early 20th century. 

 

The BBC TV series Sherlock with Benedict Cumberbatch had an episode, "The Hounds of Baskerville", which had the character investigating the moors of England in the 21st century, and that is one of my favorite depictions of the story. That one includes some mysterious goings on in an Area 51 - like area in the UK, conveniently known as the "Baskerville Research Facility".

 

The original Doyle story has some supernatural aspects to it, but Sherlock, being Sherlock, is dismissive of anything that can't be validated by his logic.  For the most part, those variations present Holmes as the rational logical machine that Doyle presented him as in the canon. The Hound of the Baskervilles, as a novel was originally published as a concession to the overwhelming urging of the public to bring back the character of Holmes to its adoring public. As such, having no desire to resurrect the character from the dead, the story itself, in the context of the canon, takes place in the history between the meeting of Watson and Holmes and Holmes' supposed death at Reichenbach Falls.

Kenneth Williams, one of the comedic minds behind the beloved British comedy series of Carry On... (such as Carry On Cleo, Carry On Sergeant and Carry On Up the Khyber). He was a character in 26 of the 31 Carry On... films. IMDb lists 63 overall credits for Williams, so the Carry On.. films account for a whopping 42% of his output on film.  It is interesting to note that, after his death when his private diaries became public, it was revealed that Williams actually had little regard for the series, although probably some of that had to do with how little money he made off the series.

 

Outside of the Carry On films, Williams had a varied career. He appeared in plays on stage, had roles on BBC radio and television shows, and even wrote several books. People on this side of the pond could be forgiven if they have never heard of any of his output beyond those Carry On films (and there may be quite a number of Americans who would give you a questioning look even if you started taking about THOSE films). But for those who had been around during his heyday in the UK, he was a well known and popular comedian.

In the tradition of comedy films, parody has always been a favorite of mine. And I also have a fairly good collection of movies and TV series featuring Sherlock Holmes. Combining comedy with Sherlock Holmes may seem sacrilege to some aficionados of the Great Detective, but one of my favorite Sherlock films is actually Without a Clue, a parody that postulated that Dr. Watson was the real brains behind the mysteries and that the character of Sherlock was just a figure that Watson created, using an alcoholic actor to pose as Holmes.

This entry falls under that parody genre. It's up to you to determine whether it should be a legitimate Holmes movie, and probably even whether it is a legitimate comedy, for that matter.   

 

 

 The Hound of the Baskervilles (1978):

The opening scene of this film wastes no time in letting you know just how different this Holmes outing is going to be from anything you've ever witnessed before as a pianist (Dudley Moore) comes out on stage to play a chaotic piano intro to our film. This segues into the prologue in which the title card says "French Nuns" as Sherlock Holmes (Peter Cook) wraps up his current case.

 

Only, Holmes hasn't really solved the case. The nuns are concerned about a holy relic that is missing from their church and Holmes helpfully suggests that is is missing because of the "work of thieves." (Thank you, Captain Obvious!) But then, again, maybe he has, because he tells them that, through his extraordinary ability at observation, he knows exactly who stole the relic. It was the member of the congregation that he saw loitering around the place where the relic usually sat, with a bulge that resembled the relic protruding from his pocket. (And why can't Scotland Yard be this "on the ball"...?)

You have to pay attention throughout this movie. Throwaway jokes abound. Like Holmes reading a tome called "Guilt Without Sex". (read that again...)

 

The story proper begins with the arrival of a Dr. Mortimer (Terry-Thomas) from Dartmoor. Mortimer represents the estate of Baskerville. It seems that the estate's prior owner, Sir Charles, had died, of natural causes according to the papers. But Mortimer thinks Sir Charles was murdered. By supernatural means. It turns out that local legend says that every master of the Baskerville estate has had a strange coincidence surrounding their deaths... the appearance of a monstrous hound.

 

Our heroes agree to go to Baskerville Hall and meet the new heir, Sir Henry Baskerville (Kenneth Williams). Sir Henry tells Holmes of  a strange incident recently. Henry had put his boots outside his bedroom door to be shined, but when he went to the door the next morning, one of them was missing... Holmes is aghast. Not at the strange theft, however.

"Do you think I'm going to waste my time combing the streets of London for some old boot? This is a job for an imbecile!" 

 

Holmes declines the case, leaving it in the capable(?) hands of his assistant, Dr. Watson. What follows after this is a discombobulated sequence of seemingly unconnected skits, including a visit to Sherlock's mother (played by Dudley Moore) who is running a scam as a spiritualist leading seances, but it's all fake, with a helper off scene causing tables to rise, etc. 

 

Also, there is a scene that has Sherlock visiting a massage parlor, which may or may not also be operating as brothel (although none of the women are appealing to anyone normal male who would visit a brothel...)

 

There are other scenes that seem to be added to flesh out a 5 minute skit into a full-fledged film, some of which are humorous for about a minute or so, but then become a distraction. For instance, when Sir Henry and Watson show up at the Baskerville estate, they are housed in a room that is ankle deep in water (and with no forthcoming explanation of where the water is coming from, nor with either Sir Henry or Watson commenting on it). 

There is also some very strange parody of The  Exorcist. Why? Who knows. Eventually (after what seems like an interminable time, but is actually only about 90 minutes), the titular hound is revealed to not be some supernatural horror, but an ordinary Irish setter. But getting to that point requires a bit of patience. Which is surprising, since other movies in the Moore / Cook  were actually good and well-made (The Wrong Box, Bedazzled, Those Daring Young Men in Their Jaunty Jalopies).

Kenneth Williams, too, might be sub-par, especially when compared to characters he played in the Carry On films. Here Sir Henry is pretty much a stereotypical upper-crust fop, albeit with some not-so-subtle caricatures of gay tendencies. In addition there are a few other cameos that don't always pan out. Denholm Elliot, who shone as Marcus Brody in the early Indiana Jones films and as the butler in Trading Places is seriously overused but not very well drawn out as a guy who has to carry around a chihuahua that has a serious bladder problem. 

 

A lot of blame for the failure of this movie (it was a bomb in every sense of the word) is often placed on the director, Paul Morrisey, a student of Andy Warhol, who although he could do avant-garde films pretty well (Flesh for Frankenstein, Blood for Dracula), had no idea how to work with Moore and Cook in their preferred comedic milieu.  He rewrote the screenplay that Moore and Cook had originally submitted. I wonder what the original actually looked like.

This one has the lowest Rotten Tomatoes rating of any movie I have ever reviewed, only 0%. (I guess negative numbers are not available...) Critics of the time can be summed as saying it was pretty terrible. It surely didn't make much money. It was originally released in the UK in 1978, but didn't make it's way across the pond to the U.S. until 1981 (and I think that primarily was because of the success of the Moore film Arthur... otherwise it might have stayed overseas indefinitely...)

As a relic of the past, I would say only completists who want to watch every Dudley Moore and/or Peter Cook performance (or for that matter Kenneth Williams or any of the other featured actors) should bother with this one. It has very few really funny moments, and most of those happen within the first 10 minutes.

Well, until next time, folks, drive safely.

Quiggy

 

 

Sgt. Pepper vs. The Disco Invasion

 

 

 

 

So here's a premise for you. Take one of the most beloved and iconic rock albums of all time, cast some then current 70's disco "icons" as characters, add in a bizarre plot that is loosely based on it, and foist it on the public as an ostensible tribute to a band that means more to many people than life itself. 

What you get is a mess that is about as effective as a halfwit with a BB gun facing a rampaging onslaught of evil robots.

This film, which starred disco era icons, the Bee Gees, as the Henderson brothers who, along with their friend, Billy Shears, played by Peter Frampton (who probably should have known better) on a quest to achieve fame, and, as an added plot twist, retrieve the iconic instruments of a predecessor that had been stolen from the idyllic town of Heartland, U.S.A.  The plot itself, however, is just the glue that binds together a host of 70's bands to do cover versions of Beatles songs culled from, mainly, their albums Abbey Road and, of course, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. This is what's known in the industry as a jukebox musical.

The definition of the term "jukebox musical" might require some definition to the newbie. A jukebox musical by strict definition is a musical which incorporates previously known songs, as opposed to original songs written for said musical. Most of the time, it's the songs drive the plot forward. 

However, much like the later released Pink Floyd: The Wall there is not much dialogue in this film. In point of fact, almost nobody other than George Burns, who plays Mr. Kite, has any spoken lyrics. The film relies on the songs themselves to carry the story to it's ultimate conclusion. Note: Apparently there was additional dialogue, including speaking parts for the Henderson brothers, but the Gibb brothers couldn't pull off an American accent, and Peter Frampton, also British, wasn't much better, thus making the illusion of this taking place in the heart of the U.S.A. became an illusion that just didn't work. 

Several other big name acts were either roped, or maybe even duped, into appearing in this film, as well as recording said cover versions of those classic songs. Now, admittedly, a couple of those covers were not entirely bad. I still, to this day, prefer Aerosmith's cover version of "Come Together" than the original Beatles version. But, tell me, is there anything that could be worse than Steve Martin's attempt at doing "Maxwell's Silver Hammer"?

The film actually had a predecessor in the form of an off-Broadway production in 1975, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band On The Road. As near as I can tell, based on the description of it on wikipedia, about the only thing it had in common with the movie version is that they were both derived from the original album. The stage production appears to have virtually the same selection of songs, however, so I can't say how close the movie was to the stage play.

 

 

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (1978):

 The film opens with a scene from World War I in August 1918, in a little village of "Fleu de Coup" (seriously...) as the Allies and the Central Powers are engaged in battle. As Mr. Kite (George Burns) tells it: 

"The War to End All Worlds did not end soon enough. So Heartland USA sent the Allies it's most effective secret weapon.

Sgt. Pepper... and his Lonely Hearts Club Band." 

On to the scene of the battle marches an oompah band. And everybody stops fighting. And the war ends. (Really!) Hold on to your hats , folks.  It gets even weirder... Apparently the band was instrumental (no pun intended) in solving the depression and even causing the end of WWII to boot.  In 1958, a ceremony is held to inaugurate the installment of a weather vane that, claims Mr. Kite, "will always point to happiness... (as opposed to whichever way the wind is blowing...) At the inauguration, Sgt. Pepper has promised to play one last tune for good old Heartland. (and if Sgt. Pepper was in his 20's in 1918, he seems to have aged 70 or 80 years in the 40 years since...) Sgt. Pepper, sadly keels over on stage mid tune. And Mr. Kite's response? "Oh, well..." Sgt. Pepper leaves his instruments to the town as supposedly, as long as the instruments stayed in Heartland "humanity would live happily ever after".  

All of this in the first five minutes of the movie....

20 years Sgt. Pepper's favorite grandson, Billy Shears (Peter Frampton) forms a band with three of his friends, the Henderson brothers (portrayed by the Bee Gees). They play to the hometown crowd at Heartland, singing With a Little Help from My Friends. 

There's a rumor that B.D. Hoffler of "Big Deal Records" has an interest in this new band. A lot of the credit for this development can be put on the shoulders of Dougie Shears (Paul Nicholas), Billy's avaricious and opportunistic cousin. It is through him and his love of money that much of what happens to our heroes happens in the first place. 

 

The next song we get is Fixing a Hole in which we get George Burns doing a soft shoe dance and "singing" (sort of). Burns had never really been known for his Euterpian abilities, so it's no surprise that his cover is basically what is called "talk-singing".  And Getting Better exemplifies how life is changing for the quartet. Billy and his true love, Strawberry Fields (Sandy Farina), have a final night together before Billy is due to leave to embark on his career. They sing Here Comes the Sun as dawn breaks over Heartland.

 

Mean Mr. Mustard (Frankie Howerd) makes his appearance. His goal, apparently as a lackey for some as yet unknown evil entity, is to steal the treasured instruments of Heartland. The motto of this presence "We Hate Love! We Hate Joy! We Love Money!"

 

The group boards a hot air balloon for the trip to Hollywood (really!). But at some point either they collide with or are magically transported to a better form of transport, a jet airplane. And they get to meet the head of Big Deal Records, B. D. Hoffler (Donald Pleasance, who has to share screen presence, if not billing credit, with his toupee...) During the limo drive and an extremely well catered extravaganza (and by "well-catered" I don't mean the food...), there is a back and forth between all present during a cover of I Want You (She's So Heavy).

 

After signing their contracts at the dinner, which (probably intentionally) brings to mind the typical "deal with the devil" contract signing of a movie version of the Faust tale, the band is on their way. And if that Faust reference was anything prescient, it plays out that way in the boys' case. For the next morning, as the caption reads, they begin "a difficult one week climb from obscurity to stardom". They become huge hits immediately, and have a 37 night run at the Forum, which is "sold out" for every night...  

Good Morning, Nowhere Man, Polythene Pam, and She Came In Through the Bathroom Window exemplify the hold that the band has on it's adoring public. But back home in Heartland, things are not looking too good. Mean Mr. Mustard, who is under the influence of a body now revealed to be "F.V.B.", is preparing to put into action his devious deed, to steal the town's cherished instruments. Aided by The Brute (Carel Struyken), he ties up Mr. Kite and makes away with said artifacts. He is instructed to distribute the instruments to various locations.

 

The cornet is taken to Dr. Maxwell Edison (Steve Martin) and the tuba to cult leader Father Sun (Alice Cooper). And the saxophone of course is due to go to F.V.B. Mustard gets to keep the drum. What the importance of each getting which instrument is, however, is never revealed. As a result of the instruments going missing poor Heartland becomes a den of debauchery and vice (in other words, Las Vegas. A low-rent Las Vegas, anyway...) Strawberry takes a bus to Hollywood to find Billy and the boys and tell them of the tragedy that has befallen Heartland.

She arrives in Hollywood to see the opening act for the boys, Lucy and the Diamonds (Stargard) playing, of course, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.  Strawberry tells Billy of Mr. Mustard's nefarious deed and the boys embark on a quest to retrieve the stolen instruments in Mustard's stolen van, which is conveniently there because Mustard followed Strawberry to Hollywood.

Their first quest is to retrieve the cornet from Dr. Maxwell, "a small time quack" who turns "ugly old corrupt people into handsome young corrupt people". And thus we get what is probably the worst cover version of the movie, Maxwell's Silver Hammer, in which Dr. Maxwell turns a slew of old people into what looks like his version of Hitler Youth. The boys arrive and engage Dr. Maxwell in battle, including a cheesy reenactment of the light saber battle of Darth Vader and Obi-Wan Kenobi from Star Wars. But they succeed in getting the cornet.

 

Then on to the next quest.  They go to Father Sun, previously known as Marvin Sunk, who in a previous life was "an unemployed school crossing guard at the bottom of his life"... (Yeah, that would probably be the bottom for me, too...) He had an inspiration to get his revenge on his tormentors, the school kids, by brainwashing them for F.V.B. Why? Because, why else? He has the tuba that was stolen and the guys show up to do battle with him.

 

But Billy get a huge jolt of electricity in the battle and it takes Strawberry to revive him (and finally we get Strawberry Fields Forever sung by Sandy "Strawberry" Farina). There is still the saxophone to retrieve, so the quest must continue.  But frustration takes over among the boys and they end up destroying the computerized portion of the van, thus losing a way to figure out where the saxophone was.

As Heartland descends into chaos and Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band starts to rack up concert cancellations, Dougie finally gets a good heart (maybe temporarily) and convinces B. D. to sponsor a benefit concert for Heartland. This concert would essentially have every big band name in the world descending to raise money to save the town, and maybe even the band. Dougie's newfound moral re-righting is short found as he and Lucy attempt to make off with the proceeds of the benefit however (You Never Give Me Your Money).

While the real band, Earth , Wind and Fire (the only act to appear in the movie under it's real name) perform a version of Got to Get You Into My Life, Mustard and the Brute manage to steal the van back, and the instruments, which are still inside. 

 

Not only that, but they kidnap Strawberry to boot.  The boys give chase in, what else, the hot air balloon... (Better add some jet boosters to that thing boys...) Meanwhile, on the van, Mustard, who has a crush on Strawberry, serenades her with When I'm Sixty-Four. The only thing that keeps this part from delving into cheese ball status is that Strawberry turns into a duet. God forbid we be subjected to two Frankie Howerd talk-singing solos...

At  F.V.B. headquarters, we find out that F.V.B. stands for "Future Villain Band" (Aerosmith). "The evil force that would poison young minds, pollute the environment, and subvert the democratic processes... and worst of all, change Strawberry into a mindless groupie!" (Ye gods!) We finally get to the best cover of the movie, as the Future Villain Band performs Come Together. Billy battles the leader of the band and defeats him, but in the process, Strawberry is killed.

 

As Billy serenades Strawberry's body with Carry That Weight, and then wanders away in tears and memories as the strains of The Long and Winding Road play, and the Hendersons mourn for Billy's loss with A Day in the Life, it appears that not everything is going to end in a good world, at least not for everybody. Billy is so distraught that he takes a plunge off a tall building.

Oh, put a lid on those tears! This is a feel good movie! It ain't over yet! (And some of you may be groaning..."There's still more???")  The miracle that HAS to happen to bring the feel good movie back from that dark edge occurs, when a good wind blows on the weather vane (remember the weather vane of the original Sgt. Pepper from the opening?)  and it turns into none other than Sgt. Pepper himself (or in this case Billy Preston) who uses his magic to turn everything back to it's previously happy state (with Get Back), almost as if the events in the movie never happened. 

 

But not, unfortunately, as if the movie itself never happened...

The finale recreates the album cover of the Beatles original album, with everybody who was anybody in the 70's (or at least anybody who would deign to appear in it) getting together to do a chorus of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band". Check out the faces you will recognize in this scene, including Carol Channing, Cousin Brucie, Dr. John, Leif Garrett, Helen Reddy, Tina Turner, and Sha-Na-Na, just to name a few.

 

The movie was nominated for a Stinkers Bad Movie Award (a predecessor to the Razzies), but it lost to If I Ever See You Again (which I never saw, and probably won't see, based on it's story line...)  Also in competition that year were Paradise Alley, Moment by Moment, and The Bad News Bears Go To Japan. Based on that lineup I'm thinking it was close voting between the winner and Moment by Moment. I kind of liked Paradise Alley, and really, the Bad News Bears sequel is not as bad as it's made out to be...

The sad part is, if it's not just hyperbole anyway, is that Universal apparently thought they had the next "Gone with the Wind" on their hands. In reality it was a virtual D.O.A. at the box office. It made back it's investment (barely), but the critics loathed it. As usual, my barometer of the critics is the Tomato-meter which gives this film a rating of 11%. The IMDb website, which gets the public reception of the film, gives it a 4.3 out of 10 based on public voting at the site.

OK, so this movie was not it's generation's Gone with the Wind. It probably wasn't even it's generation's Reefer Madness (although a little reefer before watching might improve it somewhat, I couldn't say).  I do however say it is a much better movie than some of the stuff that Hollywood foisted on the public to try to take advantage of a popular genre or theme in the 70's. Don't believe me? I challenge you to sit through The Star Wars Holiday Special. Even Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park pales by comparison to cheese ball status to that corker...

The film was, needless to say, not very well received. George Harrison, one of the original Beatles, was quoted as expressing sympathy for the Bee Gees, and Frampton and producer of the film, Robert Stigwood. He thought the film "damaged their careers", saying that it was kind of like the Beatles trying to cover the Rolling Stones, the Rolling Stones did it better. Notwithstanding the chutzpah it took to emphasize how much better he and his band were than the artists in question, one could say that it was probably bound to fall short in the eyes of the adoring public of the Beatles. The premiere was attended by Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr. Notably not mentioned anywhere is that I guess John Lennon avoided it. But then, Lennon was so full of himself he probably didn't even attend the movies he was actually in...

Some interesting tidbits of information: Did you know that Kiss was originally approached to be Future Villain Band (the part that went to Aerosmith)? Apparently they thought the part would be bad for their careers and instead opted to make Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park, and you can draw your own conclusions about THAT choice...  Some big names that chose to opt out of being involved in this film were Barry Manilow, Olivia Newton-John (who would have been Strawberry Fields) and Bob Hope (who would have been Mr. Kite).

The director, Michael Schultz, had a couple of good movies under his belt, going into this one. Both Car Wash and Greased Lightning are scheduled for my upcoming Semiquincentennial Movie Project next year, as well as Cooley High, noted as a great moment in black cinema.  After this he would still have a career as a director, but most of his output was not on par with his earlier output, with much of it being episodes of TV shows. He was the director of Carbon Copy, however, which although not a huge hit, is notable as being the first big screen appearance of Denzel Washington. He also followed up with two films in 1985 that garnered some good reviews, Krush Groove and The Last Dragon.

If you want to compare this film to examples of how the idea of pairing popular music with a plot that actually works, I recommend the adaptation of the Who's rock operas Tommy or Quadrophenia. But even, staying in the 70's, a case could be made for either Godspell or Jesus Christ, Superstar. Neither of those incorporated previously popular songs, but the outcome was much better. And I can't pass up the opportunity to put a plug in for one of my favorite musicals, The Rocky Horror Picture Show. That list is by no means complete, but it's enough to get you started.

Well, folks, time to fire up the old Plymouth and head back to the good old staid homestead. Drive safely.

Quiggy

 

 

 

When Food Fights Back

 

 

 

 

This is my entry in the Food & Film Blogathon hosted by 18 Cinema Lane.

 

"Sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes, well, he eats you." 

                                                                             -The Stranger in "The Big Lebowski" 

 

 

Man vs. Food. Dating back to even prehistoric times, man had to struggle to survive. Whether he was  trying to kill a saber-tooth tiger before the tiger killed him, or trying that new plant over there, only to find out, "whoops, that wasn't such a hot idea...", man has struggled to find some middle ground in the battle to put food on the plate.

 

But usually, in these modern times at least, it's safe to go to the local supermarket and stock up on food.  The eggs aren't going to suddenly erupt and hatch a dozen rabid zombie chickens running through the store. And you can be reasonably sure that there won't be a revolt in the canned food aisle as customers are assaulted by demonic corn. (Unlike the threat that you get from the "corn" of your humble blogger...)

 

But what if there was a threat from this "innocent" food for which we take for granted?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1978):

 

From the opening sequence of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes-

 

In 1963, Alfred Hitchcock made a motion picture entitled "The Birds", a film which depicted a savage attack upon human beings by flocks of the winged creatures. People laughed.

 

In the fall of 1975, 7 million blackbirds invaded the town of Hopkinsville, Kentucky, resisting the best efforts of mankind to dislodge them.

 

No one is laughing now.... 

 

 

 The opening involves a woman working in her kitchen when she hears an odd noise coming from the sink. Out of the sink comes a tomato. The tomato springs on the woman as she screams in horror. As the theme song introduces the threat on the horizon (just in case you may not have gotten it from the title...)

And by the way, the theme song reminds me of an old song I heard on the Dr. Demento radio show, "The Cockroach that Ate Cincinnati"...

 

"Attack of the killer tomatoes!

Attack of the killer tomatoes!

They'll beat you, bash you, squish you, mash you, chew you up for brunch!

And finish you off, for dinner or lunch!

 

They're marching down the halls! 

They're crawling up the walls!

They're gooey, gushy, squishy, mushy, rotten to the core!

They're standing outside your door!"

 

 

 

Featuring a cast of unknowns (except Jack Riley, who you may recognize as one of Dr.  Bob Hartley's (Bob Newhart) regular patients on The Bob Newhart Show), along with "The Royal Shakespearean Tomatoes", and based on the best selling novel "The Tomatoes of Wrath", Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is one of the first ever horror parody movies, later to be a more common theme with such movies as The Evil Dead movies, Student Bodies,  Zombieland, and who can forget Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Alien, Flesh-Eating, Hellbound, Zombified Living Dead Part II (In Shocking 2-D)?

 

The  film is chock full of one-liners, visual gags and (to be forewarned) some decidedly racist and misogynistic jokes. The ensuing opening scenes get the ball rolling with an investigation of the woman, now dead, and no clues except for the obvious bloody corpse. But wait! That's not blood! It's... tomato juice! 

 

But, ah friends, this is just the beginning.  It seems that tomatoes have taken on a life of their own and causing havoc throughout the city! A guy is strangled after drinking a cup of tomato juice! An older couple sit on their couch watching a giant tomato chase little Timmy (off screen). The tomato eats Timmy. "He ate him all up... poor Timmy."

 

 

 

The scene shifts to a farm where the police are attacking a marauding gang of tomatoes. One of the tomatoes apparently causes a helicopter to crash. Side note: Apparently that crash was real. Since no one was actually injured the producers decided to keep it in the film... Might as well, since that helicopter probably cost as much as the rest of the film's budget combined...)

 

The authorities are trying everything to contain the tomatoes, but bugs, chemicals, bullets... nothing seems to work.A security chief for the President (Jack Riley) has called in the top generals, scientists and experts of varying fields to solve the problem and try to keep the outbreak under wraps. His main guy, Mason Dixon (David Miller) is so far undercover that no one eve knows who he is. All this because the powers that be just wanted to develop a bigger healthier tomato...

 

In a converted clothes closet, a bunch of army personnel meet to try to figure out what to do. 

 

 

And here is one of those scenes that, in retrospect, comes off as a bit insensitive. The leader of the group introduces Dr. Fuji Nokitofa (Paul Oya). The Japanese scientist is obviously a parody of Japanese sci-fi scientist in such Japanese movies as Godzilla, as he is obviously speaking Japanese from the way his lips move, but is dubbed by a ridiculous overdub by an American voice. Not only that, but he refers to tomatoes as "fags", when he means fruits. (BTW, tomatoes are fruits, not vegetables, just in case you didn't know...)

 

Dr. Nokitofa's plan is to bring in a half-man, half robot super human to do battle, but the robot is a bit under developed. So the back up plan is team up Dixon with a highly qualified team of helpmates; Sam Smith (Gary Smith), a disguise expert,  Greta Attenbaum (Benita Barton), a swimming expert, Greg Coburn (Steve Cates), an underwater expert, and Lt. Wilbur Finletter (Stephen Peace).

 

 

 

Meanwhile the local newspaper editor, desperate to have someone cover this new developing story about tomatoes is forced to send his only available reporter, the society column reporter, Lois Fairchild (Sharon Taylor) out to cover the story, mainly because she has a "good sense of organization, fluid style, a dark mind... and a nice ass..." (I warned you about the misogynistic aspect...)

 

 

 

So did I mention there is a musical aspect to this film? Occasionally we are treated to the top 10 hit, number one with a bullet as they say, "Puberty Love". Sung off key with a horrendous voice, the song crops up occasionally. And if you can't see where that is going before the movie ends, you obviously aren't familiar with this particular trope in these kinds of movies. Needless to say that "number one with a bullet" is a propos, because by the time the movie reaches it's climax, you may want to put a bullet in an appropriate place. 

 

 

 

The experts on Dixon's team are finally gathered together. After dropping off the underwater expert and the swimming expert in the dusty desert (why? how should I know?) Dixon decides that the undercover expert, who by the way is a black man who seems to be fooling people that he is George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Adolph Hitler (!) could be best put to use disguised as a tomato (!!). He is to go undercover and infiltrate the tomato camp.

 

 

 

From here on out the film is padded with plenty more gags that will boggle the mind, including a street view of a trolley climbing a hill in "New York". The "New York gag crops up several times, even though it is obviously San Francisco. In "New York" the representative of the President, Jim Richardson (George Wilson), is sent to get an overzealous ad executive (Al Sklar) at Myth Maker to come on board to help deceive the public that there really is no threat from the recently overactive tomato population. And here we get another of those musical scenes as the executive points out the value of being able to manipulate public opinion through advertising.

 

 

 

Eventually it comes down to an all out battle for the control of the city of New York (or possibly San Francisco...)  But with all the fire power that the army can muster, those pesky tomatoes seem to be winning the battle. A newscaster intones: "Across  the length and breadth of the nation the tomatoes continue on their rampage of wanton destruction! Burning! Pillaging! Raping!" (Raping??!!). Nothing seems to be effective.  And yet another of those musical interludes as a squad of soldiers lament about their inability to defeat the horde of tomatoes.

 

 

 

Spoiler alert!: If you want to watch this film, stop right now and go watch it. I'll still be here when you get back. Watched it now? 

 

It seems that Jim Robinson, the press secretary has a nefarious plan with these tomatoes; he plans to use them to cause havoc and then step in as the savior, causing the people to reject the current President and eventually make HIM leader for life. (What does all this have to do with it? Maybe he was the one behind the animating of the tomatoes in the first place, although that part isn't really clear.) 

 

But wait! There is hope! It seems the tomatoes do have an Achilles heel.  Remember that horrible number one song? Think to the last time you were forced to listen to Debbie Boone's You Light Up My Life. Remember the nausea that song had upon you? Well, the tomatoes seem to feel the same way about "Puberty Love". The finale comes when the city lures the tomatoes to San Diego Stadium (San Diego, I thought this was New York... or was that San Francisco?..)

 

 

 

As the credits roll, there is another stirring in the garden as the carrots start to come to life... "All right, you guys... they're gone now..." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Attack of the Killer Donuts (2016):  

 

Oops! Somebody made a mistake. That somebody would be the demented Uncle Luther (Michael Swan). Luther is the uncle of our movie's hero, Johnny Wentworth (Justin Ray). Johnny lives with his mother, Emma (Kassandra Voyagis). Mom is always nagging on her son, especially about his lack of ambition, and his failure to mow the lawn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Johnny is an employee at Dandy Donuts, where he works with his childhood friend, Michelle (Kayla Compton). Michelle has had a crush on Johnny since childhood, but Johnny fails to see it.  In fact, Johnny is apparently blind to everything in the realm of love. 

 

 

 

He considers Veronica (Lauren Elise) to be his girlfriend, even though the two have never been intimate, and it is obvious from the very beginning that she is just using him for money. She has been in a physical relationship with a pseudo-surfer dude on the side, Bobby (Aaron Groben).

 

 

 

Johnny has a rough relationship with his demented Uncle Luther, a mad scientist who lives in a shed on the Wentworth property and is constantly stealing Johnny's laptop for use in his crazy science schemes. His current formula is a serum that is supposed to reanimate the dead. When Johnny goes to Luther to get his laptop back, Luther is none too pleased.  He determines to go to the doughnut shop and retrieve the laptop so he can continue his work.

 

At the doughnut shop, Luther gets into a scuffle with the owner of Dandy Donuts, Cliff (Chris DeChristopher). During the fight Luther loses a vial of his serum which lands in the doughnut fryer.  The icky green fluid mixes in with the grease and causes the doughnuts to become animated. (Well, what were you expecting from a movie titled Attack of the Killer Donuts??)

 

 

In this mix comes, what else... police officers. Although Officer Hammerstein (Cliff Burbank) is reluctant to take advantage of the doughnut shop, Officer Rogers (C. Thomas Howell) is salivating over the free doughnuts he knows the doughnut shop is going to give them.  The two go into the shop, leaving a suspect they have arrested.  The suspect almost frees himself, but is still there when they return. The suspect begs for a doughnut and the officers give in.

 

 

    

Meanwhile, a rival doughnut shop owner, some nut who thinks he can make health conscious doughnuts arrives to taunt cliff with his new creation.  Cliff gives Flanagan (Michael Rene Walton) one  of his own doughnuts, which he claims is fat-free and sugar-free. (It's not...) Flanagan and the suspect both become victims of the killer doughnuts. 

 

 

 

Meanwhile, back at the doughnut shop, three rather unsavory characters come in and start sexually harassing Michelle. She pepper sprays them, but when Cliff finds out he takes their side of the story as the truth and fires Michelle.  Johnny quits because Cliff won't listen to him tell the truth of what happened.  Cliff gives the three hoodlums a box of free doughnuts. (I don't think ANYBODY in this movie paid for any doughnuts.  You gotta wonder how Dandy Donuts stays in business).

 

The pair meet up with Johnny's friend, Howard (Ben Heyman), who unbeknownst to Johnny has been making time with Johnny's mother. The three discover the threat of the killer doughnuts and go to crazy Uncle Lester to find a solution to the problem.  He has an anti-serum that he has created (that was thoughtful of him). The serum, which is pink, will reverse the process. Unfortunately it seems that requires injecting the serum into each doughnut individually.  Johnny and Michelle end up trapped in a closet in the doughnut shop and their chances for survival appear to be slim.

 

 

 

But fear not! Johnny has a plan.  They can blow up the doughnut shop and take out the doughnuts. (That's your plan, Johnny?  How do we escape the explosion? asks Michelle.)  But Johnny is resourceful.  

 

It was a great plan by the doughnuts, and it would have worked... if it hadn't been for those meddling kids... (Sorry, but that Scooby-Doo line always seems to come to mind in these kinds of movies).

 

Well folks, time to crank up the Plymouth and head home. And I'm seriously considering not stopping off for a pizza or ice cream on the way...

 

Quiggy

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