When the West was REALLY Wild

 

 This is my entry in the Legends of Western Cinema Blogathon hosted by Hamlette's Soliloquy.

 

 

In the history of movies and dynamite film stars, few have really ever achieved a status where you could say "The new (Star actor name here) film" and reasonably expect a draw without any more information than that. You could probably put John Wayne on that list. Arnold (of course). Probably a few others, but those are two that come to mind.

In 1999, Will Smith was maybe not quite there, but he was definitely edging into that territory.  A remake of a classic TV western (which originally had a white actor, Robert Conrad, in the Jim West role)?  Hey, why not cast Will Smith in it (even if he wasn't white)?  He'll be a big draw.

After all, hadn't Smith been the THE in two previous summer blockbusters, Independence Day and Men in Black? (BTW, just as a side note, in case you are one of the six or eight people in the world who didn't know: Will Smith turned down The Matrix and did this one instead. Can you see Smith as Neo?)

So how did this movie manage to basically bomb so badly, especially when it's competition at the box office included. at the time, The General's Daughter, one of John Travolta's worst movies (my opinion), Big Daddy (not Adam Sandler's best either) and Summer of Sam ( a movie about the David Berkowitz (Son of Sam) murders in NYC (go figure)?

The problems that stemmed from the movie production were numerous.  One of the main issues seems to be that it deviated too far from it's original inspiration, that too much of the comedy portion was contrived and that the racist aspect of it was too much. (Despite the fact that the main character played by Smith delivered many of the "racist" jokes himself).

The connections to the original TV series are tenuous, at best. Firstly, the villain of the movie, Dr. Arliss Loveless (Kenneth Branagh) is the victim of a tragic event in the Civil War that ended up with half his body amputated. The original inspiration was Dr. Miguelito Loveless (Michael Dunn) was a dwarf.  The joke is lost if you haven't seen the original series, not to mention maybe just a little offensive if you are sensitive to it.

Outside of that, the only real connection to the series is that the main characters were actually named James West and Artemus Gordon (Robert Conrad and Ross Martin in the TV show, respectively, and Will Smith and Kevin Kline in the film).

That, in itself is probably much of what made Wild Wild West get such negative reception. Plus the fact that most of the people intended to be attracted to the movie (kids and young adults who liked Will Smith) were not even born yet when the TV show was broadcast or in syndication.  Basing a movie on a TV show would usually require that the fan base of the original be the primary goal of attraction.(For myself, I was too young to remember if I had even seen an episode in its first run.  I would have only been 8 years old in it's final season.  But I did remember seeing a few episodes in reruns in the early 70's).

In spite of all the negative reviews, I am totally on the side of those that enjoyed the movie.  No surprise there.  I loved Blazing Saddles, too, even though that one has fallen into a black hole of movies considered "offensive".   

As far as westerns go, this movie has the basic tropes found in westerns, including the good guys vs, the bad guys, with, naturally, the good guys coming out on top.  And don't forget the necessary bar fights (which are not necessarily strictly a western trope, but many westerns usually had at least one bar fight...). The addition of the steampunk aspects of the movie put this movie on a teeter totter, because, after all, there were no steam operated giant spiders in the Old West, among other things, but the western aspect is one that comes through even with those weird additions.

 One more final note before the review.  Like his predecessors in the persons of Max Von Sydow (Flash Gordon) and Raul Julia (Street Fighter), Kenneth Branagh spurned the typical fare for an Oscar nominee/winner by taking on the role of the villain in popcorn movie.  And also like Sydow and Julia, he seems to be having the time of his life playing it over the top.

Wild Wild West (1999):

We start off with a guy running through the woods giving a vocal plot drop so we know exactly what to expect.  Wearing a metal collar and being chased by a flying buzz saw, the guy say says (to no one else but himself, thus noted as being a "plot drop"):

"He's a mad man! Must warn the president!  Giant spider!"

 But the flying buzz saw prevents him from accomplishing that. He loses his head over it all.

Now, (after the credits) we get to meet the first of our two stars, Jim West (Will Smith), an agent for the U.S. Army,  hiding out in a water tower with a saloon girl (who thinks she is the reason he is there, but he has a different reason). 

 

 

 West is actually there to witness and stop a delivery of weapons by ex-Confederate soldiers under the command of General "Bloodbath" McGrath (Ted Levine).

 

 

 

Meanwhile in a nearby town, Artemus Gordon (Kevin Kline), a U.S. Marshal, is spying on McGrath while undercover (as a saloon girl, go figure. And you have to see his costume...)  While West tries to stop the delivery, Gordon is trying to seduce McGrath so he can get him alone and find out about the delivery of those same weapons.

 

 

 

The two end up competing against each other and develop an intense dislike of each other.  

 

 

Unfortunately for them, President Ulysses S. Grant (also played by Kline) puts them together as a team to get to the bottom of the issue.  They end up finding out that the mastermind behind the entire affair is Dr. Arliss Loveless , a man thought to be dead, but in actuality still alive (or at least half of him.)

 

 

 

The rest of the film is a give and go as West and Gordon try to corner Loveless and have one setback after another (including being captured by Loveless and being rigged up with the same device that killed the guy in the opening scene).

 

 

 

Eventually they discover Loveless' evil plan.  He has built a giant mechanical spider and also the first known tank, intending to force Grant to cede the United States to him, which he plans to divide up between England, Spain and Mexico. And himself, of course... he's mad, but he's not crazy.

So in the final scenes, we get our hero West battling a few of Loveless' henchmen who have been outfitted with helpful accoutrements.  One is a guy whose hands conceal foot long knives. (bringing up one of my favorite throw away lines when West defeats him with the line "No more Mr. Knife Guy!")

This movie is "bad" on many levels, but the movie as a whole is pretty entertaining if you can get past a few obstacles.  For one, and I agree with a lot of the podcasters I listened to about it over the past week, the hero, Jim West, is entirely unlikable.  He's a jerk to just about everybody, including any potential romantic encounters. Another is the whole racist dialogue which was done thousands of times better in Blazing Saddles. 

But as I stated above, Kenneth Branagh's scenes are very enjoyable, and those steampunk aspects are also pretty cool. If I were to give an award to the movie it would be giving Branagh a Best Supporting Actor award (not an Oscar, just a Quiggy...) and another for Special Effects.

Well, folks time to saddle up and ride off into the sunset.  (yes, I installed a saddle into the driver's seat of the Plymouth just for this episode...)  Drive safely, folks.

Quiggy

 

KISS in the Dark

 

"Check it out, man. The question you gotta ask yourself is how badly do you wanna see the greatest f*****g rock and roll show on the f*****g Earth, right? We're talking about Gene and Paul live, dog! I'm talking about the most voluptuous women hanging out in the audience. I'm talking big breasteses, and tight vesteses, my friend! You're talking people passing around joints in the audience. You're talking about f*****g Detroit Rock City, brother.  "  -Detroit Rock City

 

 When I was growing up there were plenty of rockers in my school.  Although I was raised on country music and grew up listening to Willie and Waylon and the boys, I was aware of the existence of both pop and rock music.  I admit that early on I had some apprehension for some of the more hard core stuff.  You have to remember I was raised in an evangelical church which preached that most of the music of the world was the spawn of the Devil.

One of my earliest recollections of experiencing rock music was hanging out with some seniors when I was a freshman.  The guy whose car we were in had a collection of sme serious hard core tapes of bands like AC/DC, Black Sabbath and Kiss.  Much to my surprise I wasn't possessed by the Devil after hearing this stuff.  And I realized that the style and tempo of the music was to my liking.  I never became a serious headbanger like you see in some films and music videos, but I could rock out with the best of them.

As far as Kiss was concerned, I learned that glam rock was just another variation of the same type of music that some others used.  The members just used makeup as a gimmick.  It is a false rumor that the letters of KISS stand for "Knights In Satan's Service".  The name was actually just a response to a statement made by one of the band members.  Peter Criss commented that he had been in a band called "Lips" so Paul Stanley suggested they call their band "Kiss".  (BTW the band had formerly been known as "Wicked Lester" before Criss joined the band)

 

For a brief period, the band abandoned the makeup gimmick and just produced albums without makeup.  But their prominent years involved the personas they created   They played under their real (or in some cases, assumed) names of Paul Stanley (born Stanley Eisen), Gene Simmons (born Chaim Witz), Ace Frehley (born Paul Frehley) and Peter Criss (Peter Criscuola).  But they also had names for their personas in makeup (Stanley: "Starchild", Simmons: "The Demon", Frehley: "The Spaceman" and Criss: "Catman")

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park: (1978)

By 1978, Kiss had such a following that they were even granted their own TV movie special.  Airing just before Halloween in 1978 (fitting, dontcha think?) the movie was panned by critics and fans alike.  The band famously forbid anyone in their crew to even mention the movie in their presence.  And, in retrospect, it is pretty ridiculous.  The producers seemed to not know what they had.  The Kiss characters come off looking like cheap knockoffs of the3 worst comic book superheroes, and the acting is substandard even with Anthony Zerbe, who probably should have known better.

 

The script sounds like it was written by amateurs.   The comments from some of the members of the band are instructive.  Gene Simmons has said that it is "a classic movie... classic if you're on drugs."  I compare it to the "Star Wars Holiday Special" (which coincidentally aired just a few weeks later in 1978...), just another desperate 70's attempt to cater to the whims of the teenage viewing audience who weren't watching much TV in the first place.

None of the members of Kiss can act worth a damn (at this point, although Gene Simmons has proven himself capable in a few later endeavors.)  BTW, is it just me or does Ace Frehley sound like Curly from the Three Stooges?

So what's the plot?  (Plot?  Are you serious?)  Anthony Zerbe plays Abner Devereaux, a genius who has devised much of the animatronic attractions for a theme park.  But because the bottom line is getting the theme park to make money and much of the funds are being drawn on by Devereaux to finance his increasingly expensive new ideas, he is given the ax by the management, in particular the head of operations, Calvin Richards (Carmine Caridi).

 

Of course, Devereaux is put into the mold as a mad scientist whose goal is to make them all pay for his troubles.  The thing is, Devereaux has the ability to turn actual humans into robots.  As well as create his own robots.  And he plans to use them all for his nefarious purposes.

 

Devereaux's big complaint is the scheduled performance of the band Kiss as a major attraction to opening day.  Devereaux doesn't like rock and roll.  (I bet he is still miffed that classical music has gone out of style.)  So he plans, among other things, to create robotic versions of Kiss, kidnap the real band, and substitute the robots for them.  With the robots thus in place, he will proceed to have them trash the park and incite a riot, thus shutting down the park.

 

The superhero aspect comes into play when it is revealed that each of the members of the band have their super powers given to them by a set of ancient talismans.  When Devereaux has one of his human/robot henchmen steal the talismans from their dressing room, he is able to neutralize them and kidnap them.

 

Of course, good will always in out in the end in these kinds of movies.  The trouble is getting to that end.  Trust me when I say, if you're not laughing at the ineptness of the plot, you are probably wondering how this thing ever escaped from the drawing room in the first place.  

 

 

 

 

Detroit Rock City: (1999)

 

The time is 1978.  Four would be rock and rollers who have formed their own Kiss tribute band (called "Mystery") anxiously are awaiting the upcoming concert of Kiss coming to their home stadium.  They have tickets on hand.  Unfortunately, the tickets are in the possession of Jam (Sam Huntington), whose mother (Lin Shaye) is a religious zealot who subscribes to the belief that rock and roll in general is evil and that Kiss in particular is the spawn of Satan.

She finds the tickets that Jam has stashed and proceeds to burn them in front of him, to the horror of his band mates/friends; Hawk (Edward Furlong), Lex (Giuseppe Andrews) and Trip (James DeBello).  With their hopes dashed the boys are devastated.  That is until a local radio show has a call-in contest with four tickets in the offing as the prize.  Trip is the lucky guy who calls in and wins the tickets.

 

The four set out to travel to the concert.  In the course of the trip they have a confrontation with a group of disco fans and prove that no disco malcontents are a match for a group of hardcore rockers.  Which ends up with one of the girls accompanying them on their trip and one of the funniest scenes in the process>

"Don't pick her up!  It's a teenage girl walking along the side of a highway!  I mean, they make scary movies that start out like that!"

"Yeah, but they make porno movies that start out like that, too!"

Upon arriving in the city, the boys find out that ditzy Trip forgot to stay on the phone long enough to give his personal information to the DJ at the radio station and the tickets were given to the next caller.  Stuck in the city without their precious tickets each boy goes his own way to find a way to scavenge tickets for the precious concert.

The various ways in which each of these guys tries to get tickets is a treat in itself.  I won't give away all of them, but at least one of them will have to shed his inhibitions to get the money the needs to buy tickets from a scalper (see the quote at the beginning of this blog piece.)

The fly in the ointment is that Jam's mom is in town too, as part of a group of religious witch hunters to protest the evil presence of Satan's musicians.  And of course, you just KNOW that Jam and his mom are going to cross paths at some point.

The band members only appear at the end at the concert, so we aren't subjected to an attempt to make restitution for the 1978 debacle of a TV movie.  And this flick is by far better acted by its cast.

Well folks, time to take that ride home.  Drive safely.

Quiggy

 

Pink Problems

This is my entry in the Broadway Bound Blogathon

Bent (1999):

Bent starts out by giving us some insight into the life of Max (Clive Owen), a gay man living in Berlin at the time of the rise of Hitler and the Nazis to power in that country.  Max is a fairly promiscuous man, even though he has a current lover, Rudy (Brian Webber II).  One night he brings home a man who is with  the SA with the Nazi government, much to the dismay of Rudy.

Unfortunately for Max and Rudy this happens to have happened on the infamous "Night of the Long Knives", an event in which Hitler and members of his inner party sent out gangs of the SS, Hitler's inner military men to murder those deemed to be a threat to the consolidation of his power with the German government, and Max's man of the moment is one of those deemed to be on the list to be eliminated.  And the SS men have been following him.  They break into Max and Rudy's apartment to murder him, sending Max and Rudy on the run.

The problem is that, among other undesirables within Nazi Germany at the time, gay men are on the list.  The two are in danger of being captured and sent to detention camps.  Max tries to deal with his uncle Freddie (Ian McKellan), who is also gay, but not quite as overt about his activities and still in a position within the government to help.  Uncle Freddie manages to procure papers to allow Max to leave the country, but Max insists that Freddie also get papers for Rudy.

With nowhere else to go, Max and Rudy hide out in a makeshift shed in the woods. Unfortunately Rudy has been talking to the wrong people and Max and Rudy are captured.  In an effort to save himself from persecution as a gay man, Max convinces the authorities instead that he is a Jew, thinking he won't be treated quite as badly.  (In retrospect, we as the audience know that eventually that decision could prove to be bad, but apparently, at least this early in the history of the Nazi regime, he might get better treatment).

While on the train, sadistic Nazi officers accost Rudy, because he is gay, and think that Max may be hiding his true nature.  When confronted however, Max denies that he even knows Rudy, and reluctantly helps beat him, after which Rudy dies and is thrown of the moving train.  Horst (Lothaire Bluteau) chides him for his cowardice, convinced that Max is gay despite his insistence that he is a Jew.

Later, in Dachau, Max is giving a demeaning assignment of moving rocks from one side of the compound to the other.  He uses bribes to get Horst assigned to help him, having actually fallen in love with him.  Although initially their relationship is a bit hostile (Horst doesn't actually want to do this stupid job, which is pointless; they move rocks from one side to the other, then repeat the process in reverse, a ploy designed to drive the prisoners mad).

A relationship and a love does develop between the two however, albeit not in a fashion that can be consummated.  At least not in the physical sense.  But they manage to have sex by conversation alone and the two end up finding true love and admiration for each other.

It's not going to end well, as you may well know.  But in the process Max does come to terms with his sexuality and the ending, although a bit depressing, does satisfy.

For more information on the treatment of gay men in Nazi Germany might I suggest a documentary Paragraph 175?  This movie sheds some new light on that very good documentary.  The movie was based on a Broadway play, and I think I would have liked to see it.  One of the things I miss by not being in New York is there is a wide variety of plays that end up making profound movies making me wish I had some access to them in their original form.

Drive home safely, folks

Quiggy

NYE in NYC

This is my entry in the Happy New Year Blogathon hosted by Movie Movie Blog Blog

It's New Year's Eve in 1981 in New York City.  We look in on the lives of a dozen or so shallow people, all seemingly unrelated to each other, except that all of them have been invited to the same New Year's Eve party, being hosted by one of the most neurotic and insecure women to ever come down the pike.

Was I this shallow in 1981?  I don't honestly remember.  Looking back from a position 36 years later, however, I can honestly say I wouldn't want to spend more than 15-20 minutes with the females in this movie, and not any time at all with any of the guys.  This must be the most self-obsessed  entourage of folks I've ever seen in one place.

In 1981, I would have been just about the same age as the majority of the characters in this film.  Granted I spent NYE 1981 in a town that would hardly register as a pimple on the nose of NYC.  (I grew up in a town of only 700, and the nearest town in which there was a bar to ring in the new year  had only about 25,000.)  Whether there were people like this in the bar where I welcomed 1982, I couldn't say.  But then I never really cared about relationships as much as I cared about just getting drunk and staying up til midnight. If you want to term that as "shallow", go ahead, but at least I wasn't trying to hook up for a one-night stand in the offing...  And that's exactly what these characters are trying to do.  None of them seem to have a handle on anything but living for the immediate moment, and then only in how it can help benefit themselves, regardless of who they are traveling with in their evening's journey.

The only really good part of the movie is the soundtrack.  I loved the soundtrack to Dazed and Confused because it reminded me of my days in high school and I like the soundtrack to this movie because it reminds me of my young adult days when I used to frequent the nightclubs and dance halls.  "I Want Candy" by Bow Wow Wow runs during the opening credits, and with rarely a miss, hits some pretty good heights with its music.  Additionally there is some pretty good accompanying music written by the Mothersbaugh brothers from Devo.

As I did in my review of the aforementioned Dazed and Confused movie,  I have decided to address each of the main characters individually, as trying to make sense heads or tails of the actual plot is somewhat fruitless. 

200 Cigarettes (1999):  

Monica (Martha Plimpton) has plans for a great New Year's Eve party.  But she sits alone with her friend, Hillary (Catherine Kellner), bemoaning the fact that time is going by and no one has yet to show for the party she has planned.  She becomes obsessed with the fact that the party will have no one show up and will be failure.

Hillary and Monica

Two teenagers from the Long Island suburb of Ronkonkoma, Val (Christina Ricci) and Stephie (Gaby Hoffman), both of whom are underage, wander around the district lost, unable to remember where the party is being held.  Val is a cousin to Monica and refuses to call anyone because a) she doesn't have her cousin's number and b) her mother thinks she is spending the night at Stephie's house in Ronkonkoma.

Val and Stephie

Lucy (Courtney Love) and Kevin (Paul Rudd) are old friends.  Kevin has been having a series of bad relationships, the most recent of which was with Ellie (Janeane Garofalo), and is down on the holiday, which also just happens to be his birthday.  Why Lucy puts up with Kevin is a mystery, because his negativity grates on her, but she is determined to force him to have a good time.

Lucy and Kevin

Ellie

Cindy (Kate Hudson), a ditzy blonde, has just had a one-night stand with Jack (Jay Mohr) and finds herself falling in love with him.  Jack, for his part, puts up with Cindy, although he is at loss to know why she has become so enamored with him.

Cindy and Jack

Bridget (Nicole Parker) and Caitlyn (Angela Featherstone) attempt to ditch Eric (Brian McCardie), Bridget's current boyfriend with whom she is no longer interested.  The excuse being that Eric is a bad lover.  Eric, coincidentally, has also been a former boyfriend of Monica, who also ditched him because of the same lack of performance as a lover.

 

Bridget and Caitlyn

Eric

In the midst of all this is a Bartender, played by Ben Affleck, who by circumstances ends up interacting with all these characters.  He is a pretty goofy character himself, so he manages to fit right in with the rest of the characters, and of course he gets invited to the same party.

The Bartender

The movie is sort of held together by the frequent appearance of a character called "Disco Cabbie" (Dave Chappelle), who dispenses advice on love and life and acts as a sort of narrator to the movie.  He may be the most centered character in the film, and that's saying something, since he has the same thing on his mind that the rest of these slackers do.  But at least he is grounded in the fact that he has a job to do and does it well.

Disco Cabbie

Most of these people do end up fulfilling their New Year's Eve goals.  But, really, the cast of characters seem to have no redeeming qualities.  It's a wonder how all these people ended up together in the same boat. But then after watching them, you may decide they deserve each other after all.  Personally I began to wonder how they all survived the 80's into today.  One can only hope they eventually found happiness and success at some point, but the first goal would have had to have been to have found some maturity.

I honestly gave my best effort to like this movie, but as I said earlier, it was hard because I never really knew these kinds of people on an intimate basis.  The main reason I wanted to have a rapport with it was because of the nostalgic factor, since I would have been the same age at the same time of the century as these characters.  But unlike the aforementioned Dazed and Confused, I could not identify with any of the characters.  Even Eric, whom I liked because he seems to have the same kind of hard luck with women that I did in the 80's is pretty unappealing.

Hope you all have a pleasant evening tomorrow night, whether you go to a party or just enjoy ringing the coming new year in the privacy of your own home.  Happy New Year!

Quiggy

The Bond Age (Pt. X)

2017 marks 55 years of James Bond on the movie screen.  To celebrate this momentous year, I am undertaking to review the entire oeuvre of Bond films, all 24 of them (at this juncture in history), two at a time.  These will appear on the 7th day of each month  (Bond's agent number being "007").  At the beginning of each entry I will give my personal ranking of each movie and of each movie's theme song.  (These are subjective rankings and do not necessarily agree with the view of the average Bond fan, so take it as you will).  I hope you enjoy them, nay, even look forward to the next installment.  As an added note, I am deeply indebted to Tom DeMichael, and his book James Bond FAQ,  for tidbits of information with which I am peppering these entries.                                                                                                                                                                                                  -Quiggy

By the time the series reached the dawn of the new millennium, the Bond saga had been going on for 40 years.  Many of the series regulars over the years had come and gone.  We had seen a woman take over as M, we had seen four separate actors don the tuxedo and persona of Bond, and we had even seen the departure of the stalwart Lois Maxwell, and her unrequited passion for Bond.  The only remaining figure who was still being played by it's original actor was "Q" (Desmond Llewelyn).  But even that was not a taboo role to change.  In The World is Not Enough, we still had Llewelyn's "Q", but looking forward to the eventual retirement of the actor, a new associate was introduced in this outing.

John Cleese, the Monty Python star, was introduced as an assistant to "Q".  Although he was not actually named in the film, Bond quips that if Llewelyn was "Q", Cleese must be "R".  The introduction turned out to be more prescient than the producers had thought.  Shortly after the movie was completed, Llewelyn was tragically killed in a car accident in December.  Having John Cleese take over the role added a bit of a twist to the character.  He continued the role of being exasperated by Bond's nonchalance with his gizmos, but he also added a twist of an acerbic wit, reminiscent of some of his characters on Monty Python's Flying Circus.

The World is Not Enough (1999)

Quiggy's Personal Ranking of the movie: #14

Quiggy's Personal Ranking of the theme song: # 14

Best Bond Quote:  I couldn't resist...The last line as Bond and Dr. Christmas Jones make their ubiquitous liaison in the finale:  Bond "I thought Christmas only came once a year."

Best Bond Villain Quote: Renard: "There's not point in living, if you can't feel alive"

Best Weapon:There are lots of neat little things in this one.  I'm particular fond of the helicopter that has five circular saws attached to it for use in tree trimming.  Of course, you just KNOW that's not the only use they have...

In one of the longest opening sequences ever in a Bond film, James Bond is in Spain, where he is retrieving a satchel full of money.  While he and the Swiss banker who is holding the money converse, the banker is killed by his personal assistant, just as the banker was about to name the killer of another MI6 agent.  The killer gets away.

 Bond returns to MI6 HQ where he gives the satchel of money to its rightful owner, Sir Robert King.  But King has been rigged so that a lapel pin explodes killing him while he is inspecting the money. Bond sees the same assassin from Spain, and gives chase. She commandeers a boat, and Bond hijacks an experimental boat from Q to try to catch her.  An exciting chase scene around the Thames makes for a very good opening.  Bond ends up injuring his shoulder as the assassin explodes in a flaming balloon.

 The opening credits feature a song by a band called Garbage.  The song, however is not truly garbage, although it does push the envelope a bit with the sultry style that lead singer Shirley Manson brings to the song, but as far as I'm concerned, it is much better than some of the other songs that were chosen over the years.  I still feel a hard-driving style, like the themes for A View to a Kill and Live and Let Die fit the Bond theme more, but I'll take this one.

Bond is eager to go after the killers, but M decides that his injury is too severe, so she denies him the opportunity to be on the case.  Bond of course has other ideas, and he convinces his physical therapist to give him a clean bill of health.  Bond takes off to investigate the terrorism angle, first by meeting up with King's daughter, Electra (Sophie Marceau).  Electra has taken over her father's oil business, and is overseeing the installment of a pipeline.

It turns out that the money that Bond retrieved is somehow connected with an extortion ransom that Sir Robert had paid to get his daughter released from being kidnapped by an anarchist named Renard (Robert Caryle).  Renard has one unique attribute.  He is dying from a bullet lodged in his brain, which has the effect of rendering him immune to feeling pain and gives him extraordinary endurance.  Bond is sent to protect Electra from further harm, but she is initially indifferent, since she thinks MI6 is responsible for her father's death, by not preventing the assassination.

Bond and Electra go skiing to view the pipeline and are attacked by some terrorists.  Bond manages to save Electra, and wins her trust.  Bond then goes to see an old nemesis, Valentin Zukovsky (Robbie Coltrane), who now runs a casino.  Zukovsky tells him about the Renard connection.  Electra shows up at the casino, and promptly loses a million dollars to Zukovsky.  She dismisses the loss when Bond expresses his dismay and  tells Bond "there's no point in living, if you can't feel alive".

Bond follows a lead and goes to Kazakhstan where he meets nuclear scientist named Dr. Christmas Jones (Denise Richards), {who must be the most improbable scientist ever, but this is Hollywood and they were trying to reach a younger audience}.  Jones betrays Bond, who was posing as a scientist, to Renard.  She doesn't know who he is, she just was suspicious of him.  Renard, it turns out, is working on getting a nuclear bomb which he plans to use to blow up the pipelines that compete with Electra's pipeline.  If you are already ahead of me, you know what that means.  And so does Bond.  He confronts Electra, who it turns out, has been a victim of what is called the "Stockholm syndrome" in which a victim ends up falling into a romantic relationship with her captor.

The finale has Bond, with Jones, who is now on his side after discovering who he really is and what Renard's evil plans entail, trying to stop Renard from his plan.The movie works on several levels, but this trope of using nuclear weapons to cause havoc has started to become passe' in my opinion. Still, I think that the story is entertaining enough that it keeps one riveted throughout.  My only quibble is the casting of Denise Richards as a nuclear scientist,as I intimated earlier.

Die Another Day (2002) 

Quiggy's Personal Ranking of the movie: # 9

Quiggy's Personal Ranking of the theme song: #19

Best Bond Quote: (Bond has just turned over a briefcase full of diamonds, rigged with a bomb) Bond: "Don't blow it all at once."

Best Bond Villain Quote: Graves: "You only get one shot at life.  Why waste it on sleep?"


Best Weapon:  Without a doubt, it's the invisible car.  I want one of those!


Bond is in North Korea with a couple of South Korean agents.  He poses as an arms dealer where he trades a satchel full of diamonds for a cache of weapons from Colonel Moon (Will Yun Lee), along with his aide, Zao (Rick Yune) .  But he is revealed as a impostor, and  he is exposed.  A chase ensues which ends in the death of Colonel Moon, but Bond is captured by General Moon (Kenneth Tsang), the colonel's father.

As the opening credits roll, featuring one of the worst Bond theme songs in recent years, by Madonna, instead of seeing the classic dancing shadows and such that one has come to expect, we instead are treated to scenes of Bond being tortured while in captivity.

After the credits, Bond, who is now almost unrecognizable with shaggy long hair and beard, has been traded in exchange for Zao, who had been captured by the West during Bond's captivity.  M, who thinks that Bond probably revealed secret information while in captivity, has revoked his  007 status and plans to have him removed to a re-education facility (or possibly imprisonment, it's kind of vague to me).  Bond insists that someone must have betrayed him and wants to go after the traitor, but M refuses.

Bond engineers an escape from the hospital and goes to Hong Kong where he gets help from a Chinese agent.  He makes a deal with the head agent because the Chinese have had three of their secret agents killed by Zao.  The Chinese agent sends him to Havana where Zao has gone to a gene therapy clinic.

In Havana, Bond encounters Giacinta "Jinx" (Johnson (Halle Berry), who it turns out has her own agenda.  It turns out, as Bond later discovers, that Jinx is an agent for the American NSA.  While Jinx performs her own operation, Bond finds Zao as well as the diamonds that had been given to Colonel Moon. The diamonds now have a signature of Gustav Graves (Toby Stephens), a wealthy industrialist.

Bond seeks out Graves and manages to make an enemy of him right away.  Graves has an assistant, Miranda Frost (Rosamund Pike) who is helping him.  But Miranda turns out to be an agent of MI6 and is trying to find out what Graves' plans are.  Graves has created a satellite called "Icarus" which, ostensibly, is his gift to the world.  It can focus light from the sun to create ideal climates in areas for growing food.

But of course, that isn't Graves real objective.  You see, the Icarus satellite can also be used to create a giant laser than can be focused to destroy military installations.  Something quite similar to the object Scaramanga created in The Man with the Golden Gun, but 30 years later, technology has made an even more devastating weapon possible.

And once you find out what Graves true agenda is, you will be just as surprised as I was.  I won't reveal who Graves actually turns out to be (although you may guess just based on that passing comment).  The last 20 minutes of the movie is what puts this one so high in my personal rankings.  That and the invisible car of course, which I still want..

Time to go off and try to save the world.  Or at least save the part where I live...


Quiggy