Book Review: How to Survive a Horror Movie by Seth Grahame-Smith

 

 

 How To Survive a Horror Movie by Seth Grahame-Smith:

 Firstly, if the very concept of "horror movie" makes you run for the bathroom until your friends and family are through with watching it, then this book is obviously not for you. On the other hand, if you are like me, and have enough horror movies on your DVD shelf to open your own library, you will probably get a kick out of it.

Consider this: You might just be living (if you can call it "living") inside a horror movie. There are any number of potential scenarios that could indicate this is so. Firstly, if you keep hearing a staccato screeching violin playing "eee eee eee eee eee", or a whispering "ki, ki, ki, ki, hah, hah hah hah", chances are there is some weirdo with a knife behind your back watching you as you undress for the shower.

Warnings of potential dangers abound in this volume. It goes without saying that you should probably never take a babysitting job, especially if you hear that some crazed maniac escaped his cell at the local mental institution. And, if you are on a road trip, never, under any circumstances, pick up a hitchhiker. (Despite the fact that some porno movies start out that way... see Detroit Rock City). And while on said road trip, always stick to main roads and avoid those short cuts through unfamiliar wooded areas.

A well equipped survivalist in a horror movie should have some working knowledge of the tropes that crop  up in horror movies. Knowing that you can outrun shuffling zombies, for instance. Knowing that sexual infidelity can leave you open to being trapped by sadistic sex-deprived outsiders who might be jealous that you are getting some while they were always unsuccessful is another. And, above all, knowing that, when Fido is acting peculiar around that wooden doll, it's probably a good bet there is something not normal about that doll.

Graheme-Smith's book is an invaluable asset to staying alive if you find yourself trapped in a horror movie setting. It is comical, and forewarning, it's a lot funnier if you actual have a working knowledge of the movies that he is referencing during his instructions. Does that mean if you haven't seen even one single horror movie that the book isn't entertaining? I couldn't say for sure, but I think even if you only know vaguely some details about Halloween or Friday the 13th or Alien or Child's Play that this book will provide some worthwhile reading. And if you do find yourself in one of these situations, you will be glad you read that the best way to avoid being trapped in a haunted house is to just not go in in the first place.

In addition to all the helpful  survival tips there is an appendix at the end that lists about 50 of the best movies to check out to expand your horizons in the horror movie pantheon. Some of which have been shown at The Midnite Drive-In, in case you are interested. (Note: The archives in that link contains both movies that the author includes in his list as well as others...)

Happy reading.

Quiggy